JOLLY JUNK 
DIALOGUE, 


BY 


MARIE IRISH 

Author of 

Humorous Dialogues for Children 
District-School Dialogues 
Humorous Drills and Acting Songs 



BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 

CHICAGO 





-f f'J G> 

HP HE fact that the children still 
A enjoy, and will indefinitely con¬ 
tinue to enjoy taking part in dia¬ 
logues and little plays, is our reason 
for putting out this new collection. 

We launch it with the hope that 
teachers and entertainers who want 
a bit of humor among the numbers 
of the program will give it an appre¬ 
ciative reception. 

The book needs no explanation. 

Use costumes whenever possible, 
aiming at a humorous appearance 
rather than a realistic one; put 
plenty of pep into the lines and let 
the audience do the applauding. 


Copyright, 1925 , by 
BECKLEY-CARDY COMPANY 

©C1A879085 


MADE IN U. S. A. 

JAN-2'26 


j 



4 


Contents 


PAGE 

A Disturbance in the Playroom. 5 

2 girls, 3 boys 

The Cook and the Cookies.. 8 

1 girl, 3 boys 

Sam Meets Simon. 11 

3 boys 

Hesitating Harry. 13 

3 boys, 3 girls 

Why Paul Didn't Run Away. 16 

4 boys 

Dan Speaks a Piece. 19 

3 boys, 3 girls 

Rastus and the Cake. 22 

2 girls, 2 boys 

The Land of Health. 25 

9 children, boys and girls 

Atjnt Susan Changes Her Mind . 32 

3 boys, 4 girls 

An Unwilling Tramp . 36 

1 boy, 3 girls 

Who Salted the Soup?. 39 

2 boys, 4 girls 

3 














4 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

The Last Word. 43 

4 boys, 2 girls 

How Ben Was Hung. 47 

3 boys, 2 girls 

Annoying Interruptions. 49 

3 boys, 3 girls 

A Dull Class.. ¥ . 54 

7 children, boys and girls 

Adopting a Child. 56 

5 girls, 2 boys 

A Meeting of Celebrities. 64 

4 girls, 4 boys 

A Joke on the Jokers.. 72 

3 girls, 3 boys 

The Sprites Come Visiting. 76 

15 children, girls and boys 

Courage to Say Yes. 87 

4 girls, 4 boys 

When Greek Meets Greek. 91 

4 boys, 4 girls 

More Than He Bargained For.104 

3 girls, 3 boys 

Brother Bennie’s Revolt.110 

4 girls, 2 boys 

Aunt Maria’s Visit.120 

3 boys, 4 girls 


















JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 

A DISTURBANCE IN THE PLAYROOM 

CHARACTERS 

Light Doll Wooden Soldier 

Dark Doll Rooking Boy 

J ack-in-the-Box 

COSTUMES 

Two girls, one with light hair and the other dark, dress as dolls, 
with white stockings, slippers, fancy dress, sash and a large bow on 
the hair; one boy has a soldier cap and suit (red or white stripes can 
be basted on ordinary long trousers, down the outside seams, and on 
the jacket, if a soldier suit is not available. This boy has his cheeks 
painted bright red. A smaller boy is concealed in a box with a hinged 
cover, standing just back of the center of the stage; he wears a fancy 
cap, has his face whitened and his cheeks painted red, and wears a 
bright slip gathered in around the neck and reaching below the knees. 
The Rocking Boy has a fancy cap and a bright slip, made full, 
gathered in around the neck, concealing the arms, which are kept in¬ 
side and gathered up at the bottom after the feet are drawn up in¬ 
side. The Rocking Boy sits cross-legged with his feet under him, in 
imitation of the balanced dolls that always straighten up when 
tipped. 

When the curtain is drawn the Wooden Soldier is stand¬ 
ing somewhat to the right of the Jack-in-the-Box; the 
Dark Doll sits on a low chair at the left, with her feet 
out straight in front of her; the Light Doll sits at the 
right, near the front; the Rocking Boy sits on the floor 
up near the left front. The stage shoidd be dimly 
lighted. 

Dark Doll : I’m tired of sitting here doing nothing. I’m 
going to walk around. [Looks at the others to see how 
they take her decision.] 


6 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Light Doll : Oh, yon mustn’t. Our mistress put us here 
to stay all night while she is in bed. She won’t like it 
if we misbehave. 

Dark Doll : ’Tisn’t misbehaving to walk around. 

Light Doll : But she told us to stay right in our places till 
she came in the morning. She told us to be good dolls. 

Dark Doll : I don’t want to stay in my place all night. 

Soldier [sighing] : It’s a long time till morning. 

Rocking Boy : If some one would give me a push so I could 
rock, the time wouldn’t seem so long. 

Soldier : If I could reach you, I’d give you a push. 

Rocking Boy: Can’t you walk over here? She won’t 
know it. 

Soldier : She wouldn’t know it if I got back here all right, 
but what if I tumbled over and couldn’t get up? 

Light Doll : Maybe she’d think the wind blew you over. 

Dark Doll: I’m going to walk anyway. [She gets; up 
slowly, keeping her arms stiff at her sides, and walks a 
few steps forward with knees stiff and legs flexed.'] There, 
see! 

Rocking Boy : Come, give me a push. 

Dark Doll : All right. [She walks slowly up to him and 
tries to push him with both hands, but doesn’t move him. 
Her arms are kept stiff.] 

Soldier: If I came and helped you, the two of us could 
make him rock. 

Light Doll: You’d better stay where you are. 

Dark Doll: Don’t mind her; she’s jealous. 

Light Doll : I am not. 

[The Soldier comes sloivly up to the left, keeping his 
body very rigid and walking stiff-legged.] 

Soldier: I can walk fine. 

Dark Doll : I ’ll say you can. 

Light Doll : I could walk if I wanted to. 


A DISTURBANCE IN THE PLAYROOM 


7 


[Dark Doll and Soldier at the same time give Rocking 
Boy a push so he rocks over to the side, straightens up 
and rocks to the other side and straightens up again. 
They move hack of him and give him a push so he rocks 
to the front, straightens up, rocks backward and 
straightens .] 

Soldier [smiling at Dark Doll] : Let’s take a walk around 
the room. 

Dark Doll [smiling at him] : Oh, yes, I’d like it very much. 

Light Doll [ jealously ] : What a silly thing to do! 

Rocking Boy: Can’t you push me some more? I like to 
rock. 

Dark Doll [to Light Doll] : You come over and push 
him, can’t you ? 

Light Doll [ crossly ] : Push him yourself. 

Soldier: Let’s start for our walk. [He and Dark Doll 
start around the stage, side by side, walking with stiff 
jerks. ] 

Light Doll: I shall take a walk, too. [She gets up and 
takes a few short, jerky steps. ] Oh, oh, oh, Soldier, come 
help me! 

Soldier : What’s the matter ? 

Light Doll : I—I—think I’m going to fall. Come help 
me. [She screams again.] 

Soldier: All right. [Starts toward her.] 

Dark Doll: Oh, dear! [Screams.] Help! 

Soldier [halting] : What’s the matter? 

Dark Doll : I —I—the walking has made me dizzy. 

Light Doll: Come help me, Soldier. [Screams.] 

Dark Doll: Come hack and help me, Soldier. [Screams.] 

Jack-in-the Box [popping up suddenly] : Here, here! 
What’s all this racket about? How can I sleep with this 
disturbance in the room? 

Rocking Boy [rocking back and forth] : You scared me so 
you set me to rocking. 


8 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Light Doll [backing up and sitting down stiffly] : You 
scared me so I can’t stand up. 

Dark Doll [going to her chair and sitting] : You are more 
dreadful than a burglar. 

Soldier [getting to his place as quickly as he can ivalk] : 
You’ve spoiled all our fun. 

Jack-in-the-Box: I’m amazed at such antics. I shall 
stand right up here and keep an eye on you until you go 
to sleep. If you make any more disturbance I shall jump 
right out of my box at you. 

Dark Doll: We’ll be good, Jack-in-the-Box. 

Soldier [standing very stiff and prim] : Yes, we’ll be good. 

CURTAIN 


THE COOK AND THE COOKIES 

CHARACTERS 

Jane . the Long’s cook 

Roy Long 

Tim and Guy . neighbor boys 

On a table at the back of the stage stands a jar of cookies. 

Jane stands looking off, hands on hips. 

Jane: Now here comes that boy Roy with two of the 
neighbors’ boys. They’re after the cookies I just baked, 
but they’ll not get ’em. I’m not goin’ to have a batch 
of bothersome boys eatin ’ up my cookies, I’m not. 

Enter Roy, Tim and Guy 

Roy [aside to the boys] : We’ve got to jolly Cook up or 
she won’t give us any cookies. Sort of act like we don’t 
want ’em, and praise her up a lot. [To Cook] Hello, 
Jane. 




THE COOK AND THE COOKIES 


9 


Jane [crossly] : Now you don’t need to be cornin’ in here, 
trackin’ up my floor an’ teasin’ for things. 

Roy [politely] : But can’t we just have a drink of water? 

Jane : It’s not a drink of water you’re after. 

Roy: Well, I guess if you was as thirsty as we are, you’d 
want a drink. Aren’t we thirsty, boys? 

Tim : I should say so. 

Guy : Seems like I haven’t had a drink for a week. 

Jane: Well, get your drink and be off with you. I can’t 
be bothered. 

Roy [to the boys] : I’ll bet you fellows haven’t got as nice 
a cook as we have. Some cooks are so cross they most 
snap your head off; but Jane isn’t that way. 

Guy : Even my pa’s afraid of our cook, she’s so ugly. 

Jane [pleasantly] : I don’t see why a body needs to be so 
cranky. 

Roy: Mike O’Toole, the policeman, says that Jane is the 
best natured cook in town. 

Jane : Oh, you go on, now ! 

Roy: He does. Say, I’ll bet your cooks don’t have as 
many beaus as Jane does. She has an awful lot. 

Jane [smiling] : Oh, now! 

Tim; Well, she ought to have; she’s good looking. Our 
cook’s homely as a hedge fence. 

Jane [very pleased] : Oh, now ! 

Roy : I ’ll bet ’bout six fellers want to marry Jane. There ’s 
the iceman— 

Jane [beaming] : Oh, now! 

Roy : An’ the deliv’ry man from Herman’s grocery, an’— 

Jane: Oh, now! 

Roy: An’ Mike O’Toole, the policeman— 

Jane [giggling] : Oh, now! 

Guy : Our cook don’t have hardly any beaus; she’s too 
cranky. 


10 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Tim : So’s our cook; she wouldn’t let me bring boys in the 
kitchen this way. 

Roy: Jane’s a dandy. She’s always doing something nice 
for me. 

Guy : I wish I lived here. 

Roy: Mike O’Toole says he bets Jane is the best cook in 
town. 

Jane [very pleased] : Oh, now! 

Roy [proudly] : You just ought to eat some of the good 
things she cooks. 

Jane [coyly] : Now, that’s what all the men tell me, that 
my cookin’ can’t be beat. I’ll just show you how good 
my cookies are. 

Roy [innocently] : Oh, have you been baking cookies? 

Jane : You just try them. [Gets out a handful and passes 
to the hoys. They begin to eat them.] 

Roy : Now aren’t these good ? 

Guy [eating] : I’ll say they are. 

Tim : Wish our cook could make ’em as good as this. 

Roy [eatwg] : Best cookies you ever had, I’ll bet. 

Tim : I ’ll say they are. 

Jane: Here, have some more. [Gets out more and gives 
each hoy two.] 

Guy : Oh, thank you a million times. 

Tim : Yes, these are just grand. 

Roy: Well, come on; we’ll have to go an’ finish our game. 

Guy: Yes. Good-by, Jane. [They start off.] 

Tim : Good-by, Jane. I’d like to marry you when I grow 
up. [Boys go off, eating.] 

Jane [looking after them, hands on hips and smiling] : Now 
ain’t they the nice boys? They made quite a hole in my 
batch of cookies, but who wouldn’t feed cookies to such 
nice boys ? [Goes off at the opposite side, humming a gay 
tune.] 


SAM MEETS SIMON 


11 


SAM MEETS SIMON 
CHARACTERS 

Sam Simon Dan 

Enter Sam from the right 

Sam : I—w-w-w-w-w-w-won-der w-w-w-w-where that dog o. 
m-m-m-m-m-mine—went. [Looks about.] 

Enter Simon from the left 

Simon [coming over to Sam] : S-s-s-s-s-say, c-c-c-c-c-c-car 
you tell me w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-where the— 

Sam [surprised] : L-l-l-l-look here, you b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bettei 
not g-g-g-g-g-g-g-get—fr-fr-fr-fr-fr-fresh. 

Simon [surprised] : W-w-w-w-w-well, who is g-g-g-g-g-g-g 
g-getting fr-fr-fr-fr-fr-fresh ? 

Sam [crossly] : Y-y-y-y-y-y-you are—y-y-y-y-y-you m-m- 
m-m-m-m-mutt. 

Simon [angrily] : S-s-s-s-s-say, y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you th-th-th- 
th-th-th-think you’re s-s-s-s-s-s-s-smart. 

Sam : W-w-w-w-well, you better qu-qu-qu-qu-qu-quit this 
or you’ll g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-get h-h-h-h-h-h-hurt. 

Simon [pushing up his sleeves and doubling up his fists] : I’ll 
t-t-t-t-t-t-t-teach you t-t-t-t-t-t-t-to m-m-m-m-mock me. 

Simon [pushing up his sleeves and shaking » his fists at 
Simon] : W-w-w-w-w-well you st-st-st-st-st-stop this or 
I-I-I-I-I ’ll punch your h-h-h-h-h-head. 

Simon : You w-w-w-w-w-w-w-will, huh ¥ [Pulls off his coat 
and throws it down.] 

Sam : Y-y-y-y-y-y-yy-y-yes, I w-w-w-w-w-w-w-will, huh. 
[Pulls off his coat and throws it down.] 

Simon: I’ll g-g-g-g-g-give you w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what you 
need. 

Sam : I’ll t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-teach you a thing or t-t-t-t-t-t-t-two, 


12 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


[They stand glaring angrily and shaking fists at each 
other.] 


Enter Dan 


Dan: Hello, Sam, what’s the matter? It looks as if you 
two are ready for a knockdown. Shall I be referee ? 

Sam: H-h-h-h-h-h-he’s been g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-getting fresh. 

Simon: Ain’t n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-neither. [Shakes his fist 
at Sam.] 

Sam : W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-well, you st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stop 
this s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-stuttering. 

Dan : What’s the matter, anyway? It looks pretty silly to 
see you two stand here mocking each other ? What started 
this trouble ? 

Sam [pointing to Simon] : He’s d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-doing the 
m-m-m-m-m-mocking. 

Simon: N-n-n-n-no such th-th-th-th-th-thing. He’s [points 
to Sam] m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mocking me. 

Dan: No, he isn’t mocking you, really. That’s the way 
Sam always talks. He can’t help stuttering, you know. 

Simon : Is th-th-th-th-that so ? I’m a s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-stranger 
here and I th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-thought he was m-m-m- 
m-m-m-m-m-m-mocking me, ’cause I st-st-st-st-st-st-st- 
stutter, too. 

Dan: So you both stutter? Well, this is quite a joke on 
you. 

Sam: I’m c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-certainly s-s-s-s-s-s-sorry for you. 
[Grins at Simon.] 

Simon : I’m s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sorry for b-b-b-b-b-b-both of us. 

Dan [ laughing ] : Well, pick up your coats and put them 
on. You ought to be good friends, since you have the same 
affliction. 

Simon : I c-c-c-c-c-c-came here t-t-t-t-t-t-to see my uncle. 
He 1-1-1-1-l-l-l-lJ-lives by the B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Baptist 
church. 


HESITATING HARRY 


13 


Dan : Well, Sam lives right down near there. He’ll be glad 
to show you the way. 

Sam : ’C-c-c-c-c-c-c-course I will. 

Dan [laughing] : I’m sure glad I came along and stopped 
the fight before you both got a black eye. It’s a shame to 
be trounced for something you can’t help. Good-by. 
[He goes off one side; Sam and Simon wave to him and 
go off together at the opposite side.] 


HESITATING HARRY 

CHARACTERS 



boys of nine or ten 



girls of about same age 


Mrs. Bates, .a Sunday School teacher 
COSTUMES 

Harry should be dressed up in his best clothes, the other boys not 
so much so; Lura and Vera should have pretty dresses; one of the 
taller girls should dress primly, with long, plain skirt and old-fash¬ 
ioned hat, as Mrs. Bates. 

Enter Harry 

Harry [coming onto the stage with, an air of importance] : 
I have—two—nickels ! My uncle Fred gave them to me 
and told me to—to—buy [grins sheepishly] an ice cream 
cone for some—girl. I don’t care much ’bout girls, but— 
it would be sort of nice to walk uptown with a nice-looking 
girl an’ buy her an ice cream cone. I wonder who I’d 
ask. I—wonder—now! [Looks off.] There come Lura 
and Vera. I’ll—ask one of them. Which one shall it 
be? [Thinks.] Lura is—pretty an’—Vera is, too. Lura 




14 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


is—jolly an’ pleasant; so—is Yera. I—like Lura, but— 
I—like Vera, too. 

Enter the two girls 

Lura: Hello, Harry. [They stop near him.] 

Harry: Hello, girls. 

Vera : You look all dressed up. 

Harry: I’m going uptown. 

Both Girls : Oh! 

Harry : I’ve got two nickels. 

Both Girls [excitedly] : Oh-h! 

Harry : To buy two ice cream cones. 

Both Girls [happily] : Oh-h-h! 

Harry : I guess I ’ll treat one of you girls, but—I—don’t 
know which—one. 

Both Girls [glumly] : Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h! [Harry should be 
at about the center of the stage; Vera crosses so she stands 
on one side of him, whild Lura is on the other side; they 
should be a little nearer the front of the stage than he.] 

Harry [to himself] : Now, which one shall I ask? 

Vera [smilingly] : I— like you—Harry. 

Lura : You know I like you, Harry. 

Harry [sighing] : I can’t make up my mind. 

Vera [ingratiatingly] : Shall I walk uptown with you, 
Harry ? 

Lura [ditto] : Don’t you want me to go with you, Harry? 

Harry [looking at Vera] : I—guess I’ll—ask—you. 

Lura [mockingly, turning her back to him] : Oh-h-h ! 

Harry [turning to look at Lura] : No, I think I’ll— ask — 
you. [Lura faces him smilingly.] 

Vera [turning her back on Harry] : Oh-h-h-h-h! 

Harry [looking at Vera] : I think—Vera—is the—best 
looking. 

Lura [turning away] : You horrid thing! 

Vera [facing him happily] : Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h ! 


HESITATING HARRY 


15 


Harry: But Lura’s dress is the prettiest. [Vera turns 
away with an angry toss of the head. ] 

Lura [turning to smile at him] : Of course it is ! 

Harry [desperately] : Which one shall I take? 

Lura : You want me, don’t you, Harry ? 

Harry: —Yes. 

Vera [turning to him] : You want me, don’t you, Harry? 
Harry: —Yes. 

Lura [with great decision] : He wants me. 

Vera [ditto] : He wants me. 

Lura : I shall go, Harry. [Smiles at him.] 

Vera: I am going, Harry. [Beams at him.] 

Harry : But—but—I’ve only—got—ten cents. 

Lura [looking coldly at Vera] : Of course. 

Vera [haughtily to Lura] : Yes, of course. 

Enter Paul and George 
Paul: Hello, folks. What you doing? 

Lura : Just—talking. 

George: You don’t look as if you’re having much fun. 
Harry [moodily] : No, I’m—not. [To himself.] Which 
one shall I take ? 

Paul : Where you girls going ? 

Vera: Uptown. 

George : Say, if you want to come along with us, we ’ll buy 
you some ice cream cones. 

Paul [proudly] : We’ve each got a dime. 

Both Girls [happily] : Fine! 

Enter Mrs. Bates, carrying a basket and bundles 
Mrs. Bates : Good afternoon, boys and girls. A nice day, 
isn’t it ? I suppose you are all well. [All respond to her 
greeting.] This is quite a gathering [laughingly]. I do 
hope you aren’t plotting any mischief. 

George : Oh, no, ma ’am; we ’re talking about going uptown. 
Paul : To buy some ice cream cones. 


16 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Bates : Ice cream cones ? Well, that sounds good. 
Lura [proudly] : George and Paul are going to treat us. 
Mrs. Bates: I’m sure that’s very nice of them. [To 
Harry.] Are you going too, Harry? 

Harry: No ma’am, I— 

Mrs. Bates: Oh, then, can’t you walk along with me and 
help carry some of my bundles ? They ’re getting so heavy 
that I ’ll be glad to have you help me. I’m sure you can 
do that much for your Sunday School teacher, can’t you? 
[Holds out the basket for him to take.] 

Harry [sadly] : I—I—guess I can help you. [Takes the 
basket.] 

Paul [happily] : Well, good-by, Harry. Come on, girls. 

[Mrs. Bates starts off toward right.] 

Lura and Vera [coldly, tossing heads disdainfidly] : Good- 
by, Harry. [They follow Paul and George toward the 
left.] 

Mrs. Bates [with her back to Harry as she goes to right] : 

I’m sure you are glad to walk along with me, Harry. 
Harry [makes up a face behind her back] : Yes, ma’am. 
[He turns toward the four children going to left and 
makes a dreadful face at them. All pass off.] 


WHY PAUL DIDN’T RUN AWAY 
CHARACTERS 
Paul, Frank, Hal, Ned 

Enter Paul [carrying a bundle in one hand, a dinner 
bucket in the other ]. 

Paul: I’ll show folks. They’ll find out I won’t stand 
ev’rything under the sun. [ Calls off stage of “Wait, 
Paul,” “Wait for us.”] I don’t want to walk with the 


WHY PAUL DIDN’T PUN AWAY 


17 


boys. Well, I may as well tell them good-by. [He 
halts at the center of the stage.] 

Enter Frank, Hal and Ned 

Frank : Why didn’t you wait for us down at the corner ? 

Hal : Are you gettin ’ so stuck-up you don’t want to walk 
to school with us ? [Paul remains standing, looking down 
and kicking the floor with his toes.] 

Ned: Well, come on; don’t want to be late for school, do 
you? 

Paul: I’m not going to school. I’m going this way. 
[Points down toward the hack of the stage.] 

Frank: Not going to school? 

Hal : My land, what’s the matter ? 

Paul: I’m—I’m—goin’ to run away, but don’t you dare 
tell anybody. 

Ned [scoffingly] : Run away—a heap you are! 

Frank : Have you gone crazy ? 

Hal : What’s the matter ? 

Paul : I’m tired of staying home—that’s what. My folks 
don’t do anything but scold at me. Pa ’most gave me a 
lickin’ this morning ’cause I didn’t get up when he 
called me, an’ ma scolded ’cause I didn’t get my neck 
an’ ears clean—wants me to scrub the skin off, I s’pose; 
an’ they’re always wantin’ me to bring in wood, or some¬ 
thin ’; an ’ my big sister bosses me ’round somethin ’ ter¬ 
rible. I ain’t goin’ to stand for it. 

Frank : But you can’t run away. 

Hal: Course not. It’s a crazy notion. 

Paul: I’ll show you if I can’t. I’m tired of school, too. 
I’m sick of studyin’ week after week. My folks think 
I ’m goin ’ to school for the next fifteen years. Ain’t that a 
fright ? 

Ned : W ’y, I think school is fine. I like it. 

Paul: Aw, that cross old teacher, always wantin’ us to 
learn some hard lesson. 


18 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Frank: Now, Paul, you don’t want to run away. You 
come on with us to school. 

Hal: Yes, come on. Think how dreadful your folks will 
feel to have you run away. 

Paul: I don’t care. 

Ned : They’ll worry dreadful ’bout you. 

Paul: I don’t care. 

Frank: You’ll get into trouble, sure as anything. 

Paul: I guess I can look out for myself. I’ll sell news¬ 
papers in the city. 

Hal : Well, Jack Benton will be glad to have you go. 

Ned [ laughing ] : Yes, he sure will. 

Paul: Why’s that? 

Frank : Oh, he likes Rosie Davis—a whole lot. 

Hal : Yesterday he brought her some candy. 

Ned : An’ the day before he brought her some popcorn. 

Paul : The big smarty! 

Frank: He says he’s going to have Rosie for his girl. 

Paul : The chump ! 

Frank : He says he can cut you out easy as anything. 

Paul [with energy ] : Come on; we’ve got to be going. 

Hal: Where to? 

Paul: W’y, to school, of course. 

Ned : But ain’t you goin ’ to run away ? 

Paul: Naw. Come on or we’ll be late. I’ll show that 
Jack Benton whether he’ll be sweet on Rosie Davis. The 
big boob! 

Hal : What ’ll you do ? 

Paul: I’ll give ’im a good thrashing that’s what I’ll do. 
Come on. 

Frank : I thought you don’t like school. 

Paul: Aw, I was only foolin’. Come on. [He starts off 
at the opposite side from entrance; the other hoys follow, 
laughing to each other.] 


DAN SPEAKS A PIECE 


19 


DAN SPEAKS A PIECE 
CHARACTERS 

Aunt Lucy, Mother, Father, Dan, Grandmother, 
Arthur 

The part of Dan is taken by a small boy; Father, Mother, Grand¬ 
mother and Aunt Lucy, are played by larger pupils in costume; 

Brother Arthur should appear several years older than Dan. 

The family, with the exception of Dan, sit about the stage, 
Father reading a paper, Arthur studying, the women 
busy with sewing or fancy work. 

Aunt Lucy: Where’s Dannie? Seems like he ought to 
practice his piece some. 

Mother: Yes, he should. [Calls.] Dannie! [Pause; louder] 
Dannie! 

Enter Dan 

Dan: What you want? 

Mother : You come practice your piece. It’s only two days 
till the program comes. 

Dan : I—don’t want to practice. 

Father [looking up from his paper] : Now see here, you 
speak that piece. We aren’t going to have you make a 
fizzle. 

Grandmother: You practice real nice, Dannie, an’ I’ll 
give you a pep’mint. 

Dan [half-heartedly] : 

Lives of great men all remind us 

Father: Stand up straight; don’t hump over so. 

Grandmother: Speak louder, Dannie. I can’t hardly 
hear. 

Arthur : For Pete’s sake, put some life in it. You sound 
half dead. 


20 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Dan [standing straight, speaking louder, very fast] : 

Lives of great men all remind us 

We can make our lives- 

Aunt Lucy : Oh, not so fast, Dannie. 

Arthur : Who yon try in ’ to race with ? 

Dan: I don’t wan’ to speak this piece. 

Father: Well, you’re going to. You may be a great 
speaker when you’re big. 

Mother: You might make speeches in Congress. 

Grandmother: Wouldn’t that be grand? 

Aunt Lucy: Now start again an’ see how nice you can 
do it. 

Dan [standing stiffly, feet close together, hands in his 
pockets] : 

Lives of great men all remind us 

Father [crossly] : Take your hands out of your pockets; 
that’s no way to do. 

Arthur : Don’t keep your feet so close together; you look 
stiff as a poker. 

Dan [one foot ahead of the other, hands held stiffly out at 
his sides, palms up] : 

Lives of great men all remind us 

Arthur [laughing] : Look at those hands; he looks like a 
Sheeny peddler. 

Mother [reprovingly] : Now, Arthur, don’t tease him. 
[To Dan.] Put your hands down by your sides, Dannie. 
[Dan grabs his trousers at each side.] 

Father: Well, but don’t hang onto your pants as if they 
were goin’ to fall off. 

Dan [half crying] : I can’t speak when you pick on me all 
the time. 

Mother: That’s so. Now you speak and we’ll all keep 
still. 



DAN SPEAKS A PIECE 


21 


Dan [his feet pointing out, his hands down at his sides, his 
fingers spread apart stiffly] : 

Lives of great men all remind us 
We can make our lives-our lives— 

Grandmother : He’s forgot. Ain ’t that too bad ? 

Aunt Lucy: You mustn’t do that at the program. 

Mother : It begins with sub— 

Dan [ helplessly ] : Sub—sub—submarine? 

Mother: Oh, no, not submarine. 

Arthur [laughing] : Say, you’re some guesser. 

Dan: Well, it talks ’bout the sands of time; I thought it 
was by the ocean. 

Grandmother : Of course. I don’t blame you, Dannie. 

Father : I thought you said you knew that piece. 

Dan: Well, I don’t see how you ’spect me to remember 
how to stand, an’ how to hold my hands, an’ how to hold 
my head an’ remember the words too. 

Aunt Lucy: I think you should say it this way: [She 
stands, strikes an affected pose and says two lines in a 
rather high voice.] 

Lives of great men all remind us 

We can make our lives sublime. 

Father : No, I think he should say it this way : [He stands, 
strikes a manly pose and gives the two lines in a deep 
voice.] 

Lives of great men all remind us 
* We can make our lives sublime. 

Grandmother [nodding] : Yes, that’s fine. 

Dan : Say, can’t I study it awhile an ’ then practice when 
I know it better? 

Mother: Yes, that’s a good plan. [Dan sits disconso'- 
lately.] 


curtain 


22 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


RASTUS AND THE CAKE 

CHARACTERS 

Mammy, Chloe, Rastus, Sambo 

The girl who takes the part of Mammy should be padded and dressed 
as a fat negro mammy; Rastus should dress as a dapper young man 
with stylish necktie and a cane; Chloe and Sambo are smaller chil¬ 
dren; all have their hands and faces blackened. 

STAGE ARRANGEMENT 

At the center of the stage have an easy chair for Mammy; at the 
center of the back have a cupboard, or boxes with a curtain answer¬ 
ing for a cupboard, with a plate containing a few pieces of cake. At 
the left corner of the back have a high-backed chair with a shawl 
thrown over it, back of which Choe can hide; at the right corner of 
the back have a large box into which Sambo can jump and hide from 
sight. 

Enter Mammy 

Mammy: My sakes, but I sure am tired. I been workin’ 
like a house afire. I been doin ’ ’bout two wimmin’s work, 
an’ I ’spects I needs a rest. Tain’t no good workin’ till 
you’s all plum’ weared out; ain’t nobody goin’ to thank 
me for it, so I might jes’ as well set down a spell. [Sits 
in the easy chair, stretches her arms and yawns widely.] 
I guess ’tain’t goin’ to hurt nuffin’ if I takes a little nap— 
jes’ ’bout three er four minutes. [Nods, then wakes up.] 
I ’spects I should oughter go see what Sambo an’ Chloe 
am up to. [Nods several times.] I guess they’s all right. 
[Goes to sleep.] 

Enter Sambo 

[He comes up on tip-toe, looks at his mother and puts his 
hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.] 

Sambo [backing over toward the cupboard, keeping an eye 
on his mother] : Now hain’t this a good joke? Mammy 
gone fast ’sleep right in de middle of de day; so sound 
’sleep she don’t know nuffin what’s goin’ on. I reckon 


RASTUS AND THE CAKE 


23 


I’ll jes’ help myself to a piece of dat nice cake what am 
on de plate in dis cupboard. [Gets to cupboard.] 
Mammy [straightening up] : Yes, I ’spects it’s time I woked 
up an’ got ’bout my work. [Sambo looking very fright¬ 
ened steals softly to the box and quickly gets into it, out 
of sight. ] I—I—mus ’n’t be a settin ’ here like dis. [ Nods 
and goes to sleep again.] 

Enter Chloe 

[She comes on quietly, looking about cautiously; sees) 
her mother, comes up toward her, watching her for a 
moment, smiling broadly. Goes back toward the cup¬ 
board.] 

Chloe : Well, dis am sure a good joke on Mammy, goin’ to 
sleep right here in de broad daylight, when ’tain’t bedtime 
a tall. She said as how Sambo an’ me was to stay out¬ 
doors an’ ’have ourselfs, but I guess ’twon’t hurt none, 
long as she’s fast ’sleep, if I has some of dat good cake 
outen de cupboard. [Slips slyly up to the cupboard and 
has her hand raised, when Mammy wakes up suddenly.] 
Mammy [sleepily] : Ho, ho, hum! I got to be gettin’ ’long 
to dat work. Can’t be settin ’ here restin ’ in de middle of 
de day. [As she begins to talk Chloe slips quickly and 
quietly behind the chair at the left corner, hiding from 
sight.] Yes, I mus’ get—to—work. [Nods and goes to 
sleep again.] 

Enter Rastus 

[He looks around, then comes over and stands swinging 
his cane and laughing at his mother; he raises cane and 
holds it as if to poke her; backs away quietly, keeping 
an eye on her.] 

Rastus : Well, seems like as how dis am a good time to help 
myself to a piece of dat cake Mammy’s got saved up here. 
I likes cake, I does, an’ I don’t git all I wants of it, 
neither. [Strikes a pose.] I think a fine young fellow 


24 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


like me ought to have cake when he wants it. [Quickly 
pulls back the curtain and gets a big piece of cake. Chloe 
peeks up over the chair and makes a face at him; Sambo, 
peeping up over the top of the box, shakes his fist at 
Rastus, but Rastus sees neither.] 

Mammy [waking] : Ho, ho, hum! Dis won’t do, nohow. 
[Yawns and stretches. Rastus, taking a big bite of cake, 
steals softly over, waves his cane at his mother’s back, 
bows, takes another bite of cake and goes off. Chloe and 
Sambo duck down and hide again.] Yes, I mus’ be gittin’ 
’long to my work. [Nods and goes to sleep again. Chloe 
and Sambo both get up and start toward the cupboard.] 

Chloe [pointing toward her mother] : Sh-h-h-h-h. 

Mammy: Yes, dat work am waiting for me. [Jumps up 
quickly, turns and sees the two children almost at the 
cupboard.] Well, for de land sakes! Tryin’ for to steal 
my cake, am you? I’ll tend to you, I will. [Dashes over; 
they stand looking at her, very frightened; she grabs one 
ivith each hand.] I’ll tend to you, I will, you wicked, little 
rampscallions. Didn’t I tells you for to stay outdoors 
an ’ ’have yourselfs ? 

Chloe: I hain’t done nuffin’, hones’, I hain’t done nuffin’. 

Sambo: Don’t lick me, Mammy. I hain’t done not a bit 
of nuffin’ bad. 

Mammy [shaking one and then the other] : I’ll tend to you, 
I will; tryin’ to steal my cake. 

Chloe : It was Rastus took de cake, he did. 

Sambo : He took an awful big piece, Rastus did. 

Mammy* He never did nuffin’ like that. Rastus am good. 
He don’t steal cake. [She pmlls them off the stage, both 
crying lordly.] 


CURTAIN 


THE LAND OF HEALTH 


25 


THE LAND OF HEALTH 

FOR NINE CHILDREN, BOYS AND GIRLS AS MAY BE DESIRED 
CHARACTERS 

Edgar . a scoffer 

Fresh Air \ 

Exercise I 
Vegetables [ 

Sleep \. Advocates of Health 

Oatmeal ( 

• Milk 1 

Laughter / 

Enter Edgar, and drops listlessly into a chair 

Edgar [ yawning ] : Aw, I don’t want to go to school today. 
I don’t feel like studying. My—I think my head aches, 
and [one hand on his head , the other on his stomach ] my 
stomach doesn’t feel just right. Guess I’ll stay home 
till I feel better. 

Enter Exercise 

Exercise: Oh, of course, you don’t feel well—what you 
need is some exercise. You should get out of doors and 
run and kick up your heels. 

Edgar [ lazily ] : Aw, I don’t like to run; it makes me short 
of breath and tires me so I feel all in. 

Exercise: Yes, because you’re not used to it. You ought 
to see me exercise! [Straightens up proudly.] That’s 
what makes me feel so well. 

Enter Fresh Air 

Fresh Air : You need fresh air, too. You stay cooped up 
in the house too much and I dare say you don’t sleep 
with the windows open at night. 




26 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Edgar: Well, I don’t like the windows open at night. Do 
you think I want to catch cold? The night air is danger¬ 
ous. 

Fresh Air [scoffingly] : Is that so? Fresh air is never 
dangerous, in the daytime or at night. It is one of our 
best friends. 

Breathe in fresh air with all your might, 

And sleep with your windows open at night— 

that’s my advice. 

Edgar [ yawning ] : You make me tired! 

Enter Oatmeal 

Oatmeal [ severely ] : 1 know what is the matter with you; 
you don’t eat enough oatmeal. 

Edgar [making up a face] : Ugh, oatmeal! I don’t like it. 

Oatmeal: Maybe you don’t, but you could learn to like 
it. [To the other two] We like oatmeal, don’t we? 

Exercise : I ’ll say we do. 

Fresh Air : I eat a big dish of it every morning. 

Oatmeal: Just think how big and strong horses are be¬ 
cause they eat so many oats! Boys and girls ought to 
have horse sense and eat plenty of oatmeal. 

Edgar : I like hot cakes with lots of syrup better. 

Oatmeal : Yes, but they aren’t so good for you. 

Enter Sleep 

Sleep: Well, I’ll tell you something that is good for you 
and that’s lots of sleep. The rule of ‘ 1 Early to bed” may 
be old fashioned, but it’s splendid advice just the same. 

Edgar: Aw, I don’t like to go to bed early; I like to sit 
up. W’y [proudly], some nights I stay up till ’leven 
o ’clock. 

Sleep [horrified] : My sakes! No wonder you don’t feel 
well and hate to study. 


THE LAND OF HEALTH 


27 


Edgar [loftily] : You’re behind the times. 

Sleep [teasingly j : Well, you’re behind your classes and 
that’s worse. 

Edgar [ sulkily ] : Guess I can’t study if I don’t feel well. 

Sleep : You’d feel better if you got more sleep. 

Exercise : And exercised more. 

Fresh Air: Yes, out in the fresh air and slept with your 
windows open at night. 

Oatmeal : And ate a big dish of oatmeal for breakfast. 

Edgar [looking from one to the other] : Say, you old fogy 
preachers are the limit! 

Sleep: You’re the one who’s behind the times; it’s up-to- 
date to be healthy. 

The Others [pointing their fingers at Edgar] : Old fash¬ 
ioned ! Old fashioned! Don’t have good health! 

Enter Vegetables 

Vegetables [looking from one to the other] : Well, how 
can he have good health when he doesn’t eat enough 
vegetables ? They ’re fine for boys and girls—for grown¬ 
ups, too, for that matter. [To Edgar] You should eat 
corn and beans and peas— 

Edgar [making a face] : Bah! 

Vegetables : And lettuce and carrots and spinach— 

Edgar [with another face] : Ugh! 

Vegetables: And tomatoes and onions and— 

Edgar [with another face] : Horrible onions! 

All the Others [in surprise] : Onions are good! 

Vegetables: They drive away disease. They keep folks 
well. 

All the Others [frowning at Edgar] : ’Course they do! 

Vegetables [to Edgar] : You should eat vegetables because 
they furnish vitamins. 

Edgar [in surprise] : Vitamins—what’s that? 


28 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


The Others [throwing up their hands and looking from 
one to another ] : He doesn’t know what vitamins are! 

Edgar: Well, what are they? 

Exercise: Well, they’re—they’re—you know—they’re— 
[looks helplessly at the others ]. 

Sleep : W ’y—they ’re—something that—that— 

Edgar [ laughing and pointing his finger at one and an¬ 
other] : Ho, ho, ho! You don’t know what vitamins are. 
Ho, ho, ho! 

Vegetables: We do! It’s something that gives us energy 
and makes us well and strong. 

Edgar: I’d like to see one. [Laughs scornfully .] 

Vegetables: You don’t see ’em—you eat ’em. 

The Others : Of course! 

Enter Milk 

Milk [looking from one to another ] : What’s the matter? 
What are you folks talking about? 

Exercise [pointing to Edgar] : Here’s a boy who doesn’t 
want to go to school because he doesn’t feel well. 

Milk [looking Edgar over ] : He doesn’t drink enough 
milk. He ought to drink a quart a day. 

Edgar: I don’t like milk. I like to drink coffee—sometimes 
I have three cups for breakfast. 

The Others [throwing up their hands] : How terrible! 

Edgar [boastingly] : Yes, three cups. Coffee’s good. 

Milk : It may do for grown-ups to drink, but it isn’t good 
for children; they should drink milk, every day in the 
week and every week in the year. All the doctors say so. 

All the Others: Of course. 

Milk : Milk is fine food for lambs and—calves—and piggies 
—and— 

The Others [with force] : And for boys and girls! 

Edgar: Oh, shucks! 


THE LAND OP HEALTH 


29 


All the Others : 

A quart of milk is stored-up wealth, 

Because it helps to, furnish health; 

If you would feel as fine as silk 
Abstain from coffee and drink fresh milk. 

Enter Mastication 

Edgar [frowning] : I suppose here is some more good 
advice. 

Milk [ severely ] : Well, you surely need it, the way you 
complain of headache and sour stomach. 

Mastication: What’s that? Headache? Bour stomach? 
Who? 

Milk [pointing to Edgar] : He has; wants to stay home 
from school. 

Mastication: Aha! I suppose he hasn’t been chewing his 
food properly. I don’t see how boys and girls can expect 
to be well if they bolt their victuals without chewing 
them, [crossly] Why can’t you learn that 

The more you chew 

The better for you. 

Edgar: Aw, that takes too much time. 

Mastication: Oh, well, perhaps you’d rather bolt your 
food and then have headache and stomach trouble. For 
my part I think boys ought to be interested in good 
health. 

Milk : And the girls, too. 

Mastication : Of course. 

Enter Laughter 

Laughter [looking about] : Humph, I don’t think I’ll 
stay here long. 

Mastication : Why not ? 

Laughter : You look too solemn. I like to have folks laugh. 


30 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Children ought to laugh a lot; it’s good for them. Haven ’t 
you heard, ‘‘Laugh and grow fat?” [Laughs heartily; 
the others except Edgar join.] 

Edgar [crossly] : I don’t see anything to laugh at. 

Laughter [looking Mm over] : What’s the matter with 
you? 

Edgar [his hand on his head] : I don’t feel well. 

Laughter: Well, laugh and perhaps you’ll feel better. 
Come on now, let’s everybody laugh. [All laugh heartily 
except Edgar, who scowls.] 

Edgar: I don’t see how that helps anybody. 

Laughter : Dear me ! Didn’t you know the Bible says that 
a laugh is as good as medicine? Children should laugh 
every day—only of course not in school or —church. 
[They all, except Edgar, laugh again.] 

Mastication [going to one side, shaking his head sadly and 
pointing to Edgar] : Too bad when a boy gets like that. 
He ought to chew his food better. 

Laughter : He ought to laugh more. 

Milk : And drink a quart of milk a day. 

Vegetables: He should eat more vegetables. 

Sleep : He should go to bed early and get more sleep. 

Oatmeal : He certainly ought to eat oatmeal for breakfast. 

Fresh Air : He really must sleep with the window open at 
night. 

Exercise : He must get outdoors and exercise, or he ’ll never 
be well. 

Laughter : Ho, ho, ho ! Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! 

Mastication : What you laughing about ? 

Laughter : Ho, ho, ha, ha! I’m laughing because I’m glad 
I have sense enough to follow these simple rules and 
keep well. 

The Others, except Edgar [laughing] : So are we glad. 
[Exercise, Fresh Air, Sleep and Laughter stand at one 
side of the stage; they join hands and swing them back 


THE LAND OF HEALTH 


31 


and forward while speaking , bringing the right foot 
down with a stamp on 11 sleep ’ ’ and 1 ‘ long.’ ’ ] 

Exercise, Fresh Air, Sleep, Laughter : 

Breathe fresh air and breathe it deep, 

Get at least eight hours of sleep; 

Exercise to make you strong, 

Also laugh often and laugh long. 

[They laugh heartily.] 

[Oatmeal, Milk, Vegetables and Mastication stand at 
the other side, hands joined and swinging. They stamp 
foot on “enough” and “jaw.”] 

Milk, Oatmeal, Vegetables, Mastication : 

For brain and nerve oatmeal’s the stuff, 

Drink milk if you don’t weigh enough; 

Eat vegetables both cooked and raw, 

And don’t forget to work your jaw. 

[Motion of chewing.] 

Milk : Well, I think we better be going. [To Edgar.] You 
would better come with us. 

Edgar : Where you going ? 

The Others : To the Land of Good Health. 

Vegetables: Yes, come on with us. The children in the 
Land of Good Health are happy. 

Edgar [listlessly] : No, I don’t care to go. I don’t like 
milk and oatmeal. I like pies and cakes and things like 
that. 

Oatmeal: Let’s be going. [To Edgar.] Good-by, foolish 
boy. [The others start off.] 

Milk [just before going off] : 

The Land of Good Health is the land of joys; 

That is the place for the girls and boys. 


32 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Edgar [jumping up] : I ought to go along. I want to be 
well. [Calls.] Wait for me! I’m coming. Wait! [Runs 
off after the others.] 


AUNT SUSAN CHANGES HER MIND 
CHARACTERS 

Mr. Allen, Mrs: Allen, Aunt Susan 
Tom, George, Alice, Nora 
the Allen children, of various sizes 

Scene : The Allen living-room. 

Discovered: Mr. and Mrs ; Allen 

Mrs. Allen [happily] : Well, Susan is leaving tomorrow 
morning; she has her things about packed. 

Mr. Allen: That’s good—I mean, it will be nice for her 
to have a visit with William’s folks. 

Mrs. Allen : Yes, she has been here a long time. 

Mr. Allen: Too long, I’ll say. I don’t appreciate having 
* a cranky old maid in the family. 

Mrs. Allen: Well, I’ll be glad to be by ourselves. There 
wasn’t a single thing went wrong that Susan didn’t see it 
and find fault. 

Mr. Allen : I don’t like the way she picks on the children, 
either. 

Mrs. Allen : Well, it’s soon over. She’ll go tomorrow. 

Mr. Allen: And I’ll not shed any tears. [Goes off.] 

Enter Alice and Nora 

Alice : Say, mama, is Aunt Susan really going away ? 

Mrs. Allen : Yes, she’s going tomorrow. 

Nora : Going to stay ? 

Mrs. Allen : Yes, for a long time, anyway. 

Alice : Oh, goody, goody! 


AUNT SUSAN CHANGES HER MIND 


33 


Nora : I hope she stays for—forever and a day. 

Mrs. Allen: Sh-h-h-h! You mustn’t talk so about Aunt 
Susan. 

Alice : But she’s a cross old crosspatch. 

Nora: She’s always finding fault with us. She doesn’t 
want us to have a bit of fun. 

Enter Tom and George 

George : Ma, is Aunt Susan going off, honest an ’ true ? 

Mrs. Allen: Yes, she’s going tomorrow. 

George [dancing about] : Hooray, ain’t I sorry! 

Tom : Now maybe we can talk out loud an ’ slam doors once 
in awhile, an ’ leave our books on the chairs an ’ our caps 
on the floor without having our heads snapped off. 

Mrs. Allen : Children, you mustn’t talk that way. 

George: Well, she doesn’t like boys. 

Tom [striking a pose and imitating Aunt Susan] : She 
thinks we act—just—perfectly—terrible! 

Mrs. Allen [sternly] : Children, you listen to me. 

George [meekly] : Yes, ma’am. 

Mrs. Allen : Aunt Susan is leaving tomorrow. She will 
be gone a long time, I think. Now I want you to be nice 
to her the few hours she is here. I want you to make her 
think you like her, and that you have enjoyed having 
her here. 

Tom : But we haven’t. 

Mrs. Allen : I guess you can be polite. You ought to be 
polite, whether you like her or not. Think how nice it 
will be to have her go away happy, thinking you are sorry 
to have her go. 

Alice: Yes, that’s so. 

George: It won’t hurt us to jolly her up a little bit. 

Mrs. Allen: Of course not, and I want you all to say 
something nice to her. 

Tom : All right; I guess it won’t hurt us. 


34 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Allen : No, and it will please Aunt Susan; perhaps 
it will mak;e her forget some of your naughtiness. [Goes 

off.] 

George : I suppose we have been horrid to Aunt Susan 
sometimes; if we say we ’re sorry to have her go, it ’ll sort 
of make up for it. 

Alice : Yes, I’m sure it will please her. 

Enter Aunt Susan 

Aunt Susan [looking them over severely ] : Dear me, what 
are you all standing ’round here for, like a pack of 
ninnies? I should think there would be some work you 
might be doing. I never did see anything like the way 
you lazy around. 

George: Well, the truth is— [pauses]. 

Aunt Susan [crossly] : Oh, is that so? Is it going to take 
you all day to say it ? 

George: We were thinking it is too bad that we’ve been 
naughty sometimes and bothered you. 

Aunt Susan [snappishly] : Naughty? I should say you 
have. I never lived with such an ill-behaved bunch. If I 
could have given you what you needed once in awhile, it 
would have been good for you. 

Tom : We wanted to say that we’re sorry we’ve not behaved 
better. 

Aunt Susan: Well, that doesn’t do any good now. You 
ought to have thought of that long ago. 

Alice : And we want to say we ’re sorry—to—to—have you 
go. 

Aunt Susan [somewhat pleased] : Well, I hope so. 

George : We’re going to miss you a lot. [Aside.] It’ll be a 
happy miss. 

Tom : Yes, we’ll miss you, Aunt Susan. 

Aunt Susan: [quite pleased] : That’s nice, I’m sure. 


AUNT SUSAN CHANGES HER MIND 


35 


Nora : The house won’t seem like the same place with you 
gone, Aunt Susan. [Aside.] That’s surely true. 

Aunt Susan [smilingly] : Well, I’m glad you think so. 

George: And we’ll not forget you, Aunt Susan. [Aside.] 
It will he impossible to forget your crankiness. 

Aunt Susan [very pleased] : I didn’t know you felt this 
way about my leaving. 

Alice : Of course we do. 

Aunt Susan [with decision] : Well, since you feel so bad 
about my leaving and hate so to have me go, I ’ll just stay 
right here. I don’t want to go anyway. 

George [blankly] : Oh, but we don’t want to—to—— 

Tom : No, we didn’t mean that we want to keep you from 
your trip because- 

Alice : You mustn’t stay on our account because- 

Aunt Susan [firmly] : I shall stay here. I think I ought 
to when you want me so much. [The children look at each 
other in horror.] 

Enter Mr. Allen 

Mr. Allen: What’s the matter? 

Aunt Susan [happily] : I’ve just made up my mind not 
to go to William’s. I shall stay here because the children 
are going to miss me so dreadfully. 

Mr. Allen: Why, why—I don’t think—when your plans 
are all made- 

Aunt Susan: It’s all right. I’m glad to stay to please the 
children. I’ll go right now and unpack my things. [Goes 
out.] 

Mr. Allen [angrily] : Who did this? I’ve a good notion to 
—to- 

George [half crying] : We—we—well, ma is to blame. She 
told us to say it. 


Enter Mrs. Allen 







36 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mr. Allen [despairingly] : Now see what you’ve gone 
and done. 

Tom: Yes, see what you’ve done. 

Nora [rubbing her eyes] : It’s all your fault. 

Mrs. Allen [looking from one to another] : What is the 
matter ? 

George: Aunt Susan isn’t going. 

Tom : She’s unpacking her trunk. 

Alice : ’Cause we said a few nice things- 

Nora : Just a few, oh, dear! 

Mrs. Allen [sinking into a chair] : Oh, my sakes! 

Mr. Allen: Isn’t that the limit? 

George: Oh dear! [They all assume attitudes of despair.] 
Tom : Dear!! 

Alice: Dear!! 

Nora : DEAR!! 

CURTAIN 


AN UNWILLING TRAMP 
CHARACTERS 

Tramp [in hard-looking outfit] 

Grandmother Brown 
Mary and Laura, her granddaughters 

Scene: Grandmother Brown’s kitchen. 

Discovered: Grandmother and the two girls busy at some 
work 

Grandmother [looking off] : Well, I’ll declare, if here 
doesn’t come another tramp. That makes the fourth this 
week. I’m getting tired of ’em. We’ve got to do some¬ 
thing to stop them or they’ll eat us out of house an’ home. 
[She gets up quickly.] We’ll play a joke on this one. 



AN UNWILLING TRAMP 


37 


[Grabs up a piece of dark cloth and ties it around Mary's 
head, covering one eye, then pastes three good-sized circles 
of various sizes cut from black court plaster on Laura's 
face, talking as she does this.] Mary, you pretend that 
you’re lame, so you limp terribly when you walk, and 
keep one hand behind you, twisted out of shape. Laura, 
you wail and groan once in awhile, as if you’re going to 
have a fit. Now don’t forget. You girls just keep still 
an’ let me do the talking. 

Mary : I hope you ’ll get the best of him, Grandma. These 
tramps are getting to be a nuisance. 

Laura: Well, I’ll do my part. I can groan all right. 
[Knock is heard.] 

Grandma: Here he is. [She goes over and admits the 

Tramp.] 

Enter Tramp 

Tramp [dolefidly] : How-de-do, ma’am. Couldn’t you give 
a poor man a little bite to eat? I hate to ask ye, but, 
ma’am, I’m that hungry I can’t hardly drag my feet. I 
ain’t had a good meal for two weeks come next Tuesday, 
an’ I’m like to play out, ma’am, if I don’t get some food. 

Grandma: Well, well, that’s too bad. 

Tramp: I’ve had awful bad luck; been sick, ma’am, an’ 
like to died, an’ had to lose my job, an’ I’m trying to git 
back to where I can find work. 

Grandma : I s ’pose you like to work, don’t you ? 

Tramp: Oh, yes, ma’am, I’m an awful good worker. 

Grandma: Well, now, that’s fine. We’ll just keep you 
right here with us. We need a good worker. My gran’- 
daughter here [points to Laura] can’t do much ’cause 
she has fits. [Laura gives a wailing moan, shakes her 
hands and wiggles her head.] 

Tramp [looking at Laura nervously] : Well, you—see— 
ma’am, I- 

Grandma: And my other gran’daughter’s lame an’ can’t 



38 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


do much. She maybe can get you something to eat. Mary, 
you heat up that soup. [Mary walks across the room, 
limping terribly, one hand held hack of her twisted.] 
We’ve got some real good soup made out of potater peel¬ 
ings an’ chickens’ feet. 

Tramp [aside] : ’Tater peelin’s an’ chicken feet! Great guns 
an’ little fishes—who’d eat that? [To Grandma] I guess 
you needn’t bother, ma’am, seein’ yer folks ain’t well. 
[Laura gives a mournful wail ending in a shriek.] I’ll 
go along, ma ’am. 

Grandma : No, no! You must stay with us. Mary, you give 
’im some that nice pie I made out them frozen turnips. 
Give ’im some bread, but cut off the mouldy spots. 

Mary [limping about] : Yes, gran’ma’am. 

Grandma: You must stay here and work for us. We’ll 
pay you real well, ’cause we need a man in the family. If 
Laura has one o ’ her bad fits, I like to have a man in the 
house. [Laura sways about and moans.] 

Tramp [edging over to one side] : I’ll have to be goin’, 
ma’am. I— you see, I— want to—I’m in a hurry, ma’am. 

Grandma: We’ll treat you like one of the family, an’ you 
can go to church with us ev’ry Sunday. 

Tramp [aside] : Go to church! Jumpin’ Jerusalem! [To 
Grandma.] You see, ma’am, my mother’s sick an’ I’m 
in a hurry, an’- 

Grandma : I like your looks real well. I ’ll treat you fine an ’ 
you won’t have to get up ’fore five o’clock in the mornin’. 
Mary, ain’t that soup ’most hot? Fix ’im some of the 
coffee I made out of those burned beans. 

Mary: Yes, gran’ma’am. [She limps over and looks at 
him.] I think you’re good lookin’. 

Grandma: Just as like as not you an’ Mary can make a 
match. She’d like a nice husband. 

Tramp: Good-by, ma’am. [He dashes off. Grandma calls, 
“Come back, come back,” as curtain falls.] 



WHO SALTED THE SOUP? 


39 


WHO SALTED THE SOUP? 

CHARACTERS 

Grandfather Nye 

Mrs. Kane, his daughter 

Miss Sarah, another daughter 

Mary, the maid 

Bess and Tom, grandchildren 

At the center of the stage and nearer the front than the back place 
a table spread with a cloth that comes down pretty well to the floor 
in front, to hide the box, near the back of stage, that serves as a 
stove. On this box have a good-sized kettle with a large spoon in it. 
On a small table at one side place a few utensils and a dish labeled 
salt. The table should be set with plates and spoons. 

Discovered: Mrs. Kane and Miss Sarah 

Mrs. Nye: I’m sorry I have to go over to that meeting, 
but it seems as if it can’t be helped. Mary has made 
some nice soup, the kind father is so fond of, and you’ll 
see that he doesn’t eat too much of it, won’t you? It 
doesn’t take much to make him sick. 

Miss Sarah: We don’t want him to get sick on his birth¬ 
day, surely. I’ll try to see that he doesn’t get too much. 
He certainly is fond of that soup Mary makes. [Goes off.] 
Mrs. Nye: There is just one thing—Mary never gets the 
soup salted enough to suit father. I’ll salt it some more, 
right now, because I want it to just suit him, seeing this 
is his birthday. [Goes over , gets the salt, salts the soup 
and stirs it well.] Now I must get ready for the meeting 
at Canby. [Goes out.] 

Enter Bess 

Bess [looking about] : I wonder where Mary is; I want 
her to tie a cloth on my finger where I cut it. Oh, there’s 
a nice kettle of soup ready for lunch. [Goes over and stirs 


40 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


it.] How good it looks! I do like Mary’s soups, except that 
she doesn’t get them salt enough. I guess I’ll put some 
more salt in right now and then folks won’t have to com¬ 
plain /about its tasting flat and ask to have the salt passed. 
[Gets the salt, puts it in and gives the soup a good stir¬ 
ring .] I’m glad it is nearly lunch time, this looks so good. 
I think I ’ll not wait for Mary. [Goes off.] 

Enter Tom 

Tom [calling as he enters] : Oh, Mary, where are you? 
[Looks about.] Now, where do you suppose she has gal¬ 
livanted off to ? I want her to give me some string to do 
up the package for Bob Plummer. I want it right away, 
too, and Mary might know it. [Sniffs,] Something smells 
pretty good. I wonder what she’s cooking. [Goes over to 
the stove.] Oh, boy! Grandpa’s favorite soup! Won’t 
he be pleased? One thing, though; Mary never gets it 
salt enough; grandpa always says so. I ’ll just put in an 
extra spoonful now so he won’t need to find fault. [Gets 
the salt and stirs it in.] Well, I can’t wait any longer; 
perhaps I’ll find some cord upstairs. [Exit.] 

Enter Miss Sarah 

Miss Sarah: I’ll just slip in now, while Mary is over to 
Mrs. Greggs’ and salt the soup a little more. She never 
gets it to suit father and it always provokes him. Since 
this is his birthday I’d like to have it just right. [Gets 
the salt and goes to the kettle.] This certainly smells 
good. I don’t blame father for being fond of a dish of 
savory soup. [Salts the soup and stirs it.] I’m sure this 
will make it just right. [Goes off.] 

Enter Mary 

Mary : Lan ’ suz, I thought I’d never get away from that 
Mis’ Greggs. Some folks act like they was wound up 
an’ had to talk till they run down. ’Twasn’t enough that 


WHO SALTED THE SOUP? 


41 


I had to hear ’bout her ailments, but I had to listen to 
the sicknesses of half her relations. [She has been putting 
extra things on the table as she talks.] Well, I guess 
things are all ready for lunch. Oh, one thing—I’m going 
to fool the family today by having this soup salt enough. 
They always complain that I'don’t more’n half salt it, 
so I’ll have this just to suit them. [She goes over , gets the 
salt and stirs it into the soup.] There, now, they ought 
to say this is fit for a king' an ’ I ’ll warrant they won’t be 
askin’ for more salt. [Rings the bell.] I’ll start taking 
it up now, so it’ll cool some. [She dishes up the bowls 
and sets them on the table.] 

Enter Tom 

Tom : Believe me, ,Mary, I ’m ready for some that good 
soup. 

Enter Bess 

Bess : Well, so am I. I hope you’ve made a whole lot, Mary. 

Mary: Yes, Miss Bess, I’ve got a whole kettleful. 

Enter Miss Sarah and Grandfather Nye 

Miss Sarah: I’m sure you’re going to enjoy your lunch, 
father, because Mary has made your favorite soup. 

Grandfather : Fine, fine ! 

Tom: And you’ll have to eat a whole lot of it, Grandpa, 
’cause this is your birthday. [He and Bess, Grandfather 
and Miss Sarah sit at the table; Mary finishes serving the 
soup.] 

Grandfather : Well, I feel pretty hungry, Tom. I think 
I shall be able to do justice to the soup. 

Miss Sarah : I think we ’ll all do our share. 

Grandfather : I suppose this needs a little more salt. 

Bess: Maybe it’ll be just right, Grandpa. 

Miss Sarah : Yes, I think so. [They all start to eat.] 

Grandfather : What the— 

Tom [jumping up] : Great goodness—give me a drink! 


42 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Bess [jumping up] : Horrible! Me a drink, too! 

Miss Sarah: Of all the terrible concoctions. What is the 
matter, Mary? 

Mary [surprised] : I’m sure I don’t know, Miss Sarah. 
What ails it? 

Grandfather [angrily] : A nice mess of stuff to serve on 
my birthday. Taste it, woman, and see what ails it. 

Mary [tasting the soup] : Oh-my-goodness-for-the-iove-of- 
Pete! [They all make faces and call for water.] 

Grandfather : What’s your excuse for spoiling our lunch 
in this manner ? 

Mary: I’ll declare I never did this— never! Somebody 
else has been meddling with my cooking. 

Grandfather : Likely story. 

Miss Sarah : Well, I—I—only put in a little extra salt, not 
enough to make it so terrible as this. 

Tom : I—I just put in an extra spoonful. 

Grandfather : This tastes as if the whole bag of salt had 
been dumped in. 

Bess: Well, I did put in an extra spoonful so grandpa 
wouldn’t have to say the soup tasted flat. 

Grandfather [pounding the table with his soup spoon] : 
Flat? I’ll say it doesn’t. [Takes another little taste and 
makes a dreadful fuss.] 

Mary [crossly] : How can a body expect to have vit’als fit 
to eat, if all the family fixes ’em up on the sly? 

Tom [striking a pose] : Who salted the soup? 

Miss Sarah [rising]: To prevarication I’ll not stoop; 
’twas I-—I salted the soup. 

Bess : I ’ll confess it is true that I — I salted it, too. 

Mary : I wanted it to be nice; I—I salted it twice. 

Grandfather [sadly] : Here’s my birthday lunch spoiled 
by— 

All [laughing] : Too much salt in the soup ! 

CURTAIN 


THE LAST WORD 


43 


THE LAST WORD 

CHARACTERS 
Joe, Jim, Ted, Jack, boys 
Sue and Ida, girls 

Each member wears a jacket of wrapping paper made by cutting a 
hole in the center of the paper large enough to put the head through. 
The paper should be somewhat over ten inches wide and long enough 
so that the jacket comes below the waist, back and front. It is 
belted down by a 2-inch strip of the paper; on the front each jacket 
has a large letter of bright red, either put on with erayolas or cut 
from red paper and pasted on. Joe has “B, 71 Jim “O, ” Ted “Y,” 
Jack “D,” Sue “O,” Ida “G.” 

Enter Joe, Jim and Ted 
[They stand scattered about the stage.] 

Joe [looking at the other two] : Well, what are we here 
for, anyway? 

Jim: I know I’m not here because I want to be; I don’t 
like to stand up before folks and speak. 

Ted [jokingly] : Oh, it won’t hurt you. Folks like to look 
at a handsome young chap like you. 

Joe : Look here—what are we here for ? 

Ted : We’re here to give the last word. 

Joe: The last word? Well, that should be given by the 
girls. Don’t writers, say that women always have the 
last word? 

Jim: Yes, I’ve heard that, but now that we’re here we 
may as well say our parts. 

Ted : We better begin, too. Here are all these people wait¬ 
ing to hear us start something. 

Jim: All right; come on. [The three boys line up together 
so their letters spell B-O-Y.] 

Joe [pointing to his letter] : This is B, the second letter in 
the alphabet. It is also the name of a small insect usually 
referred to as the “Busy bee,” whom children ought to 


44 


JOLLY JUNIOR, DIALOGUES 


imitate. It is also a word used in grammar, but you 
mustn’t say “I be,” or folks will think you aren’t edu¬ 
cated. 

Jim [pointing to his letter ] : This is also a letter of the 
alphabet. It is the—the [ looks at the other hoys] — What 
number is it, anyway ? 

Ted : I think it is about the—twelfth. 

Jim: Are you sure? 

Ted : 1 No. 

Jim [anxiously] : Well, I’ve got to be sure. I don’t want 
to tell these folks what isn’t so. 

Joe: We’ll have to count up and see. [Each hoy begins 
seriously to count the letters on his fingers.] 

Ted : It ’s the fifteenth. 

Joe: Yes, it’s the fifteenth. 

Jim [pointing] : This is O, the fifteenth letter of the alpha¬ 
bet. It is also a word to say when you are surprised, 
like when you hit your thumb with the hammer, or sit 
down suddenly on a pin or step on a tack. You usually 
say some other words with it, at a time like that, such as 
0 gee! —or 0— 

Joe [interrupting] : Here; don’t say anything bad. 

Jim : All right [nodding to audience]. Well, you know 
what it is folks say—sometimes. 

Ted [pointing] : This is Y, another letter of the alphabet. 
It is what our folks say to us a lot—’y don’t you do this, 
an’ ’y don’t you do that, an’ ’y don’t you behave? But 
that’s different, though it sounds like this, but anyway you 
know what I mean. If you have a lot of ’em then they are 
y’s, an’ that’s what I mean to be when I grow up—wise 
like Solomon an’ George Washington. 

Joe [pointing to his letter] : B— 

Jim [pointing] : 0— 

Ted [pointing] : Y. 

All: BOY! 


THE LAST WORD 


45 


Joe : Boys are important. 

Jim : You’re right, they are! 

All Three [with force] : 

Boys make men, 

Of brave and strong intent, 

And men make politicians, 

Who run the government. 

Enter Sue and Ida, hastily 

Sue: My sakes, what’s all this noise? 

Ida : What are you boys doing, I’d like to know ? 

Ted : We ’re taking part in a piece called ‘ ‘ The Last Word. ’ ’ 
Sue : I think we ought to be in that. 

Ida: Of course; one of us should say the last word. 

Joe [gloomily to the other boys] : There, what did I tell 
you about women ? 

Sue [to Ida] : Now that we’re here, we’ll take part in this. 
Ida: Of course; that’s what we came for. [They stand in 
line with the boys , Sue nearest Ted, and several feet from 
him.] 

Jim [after a pause] : Well, why don’t you say something? 
Sue: We can’t. [She and Ida giggle.] 

Ted [crossly] : What are you laughing at ? 

Ida: We’re laughing because the boy who belongs here 
[points to the space between Sue and Ted] is late. That’s 
a joke because boys say it’s the girls who always keep them 
waiting. 

Enter Jack, running on noisily 

Jack: I am not late. I’m right here. Can’t you see me? 

[Takes his place between Ted and Sue.] 

Sue: Yes, we see you; now let’s hear your piece. 

Jack [pointing to his letter] : 

It comes after “C,” 

It comes just before “E,” 


46 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


It’s a “D,” as you see. 

Oh fiddle-dee-dee! 

Sue [as if she were in pain] : 0! 

Ida [quickly] : What’s the matter? 

Sue [laughing] : Nothing, I was just telling you the name 
of my letter [points to it]. 

Ida [with emphasis and long-drawn-out] : G-g-g-g-g-g-g! 

Jim [surprised] : Now what’s the matter with youf 

Ida [laughing] : Nothing, I was just telling you the name 
of my [pointing] letter. 

Jack [pointing to his letter] : D — 

Sue [pointing] : 0— 

Ida [pointing] : G. 

The Three : DOG! 

Joe [pointing] : B— 

Jim [pointing] : 0— 

Ted [pointing] : Y. 

The Three : BOY ! 

Sue : I think the two words go together well, for boys are 
usually fond of dogs. 

Jack : Why shouldn’t they be ? Dogs are our good friends; 
they don’t care how much noise we make or whether our 
hands and face are dirty. They don’t mind if we get low 
standings in our tests at school. 

Ida [anxiously] : Say, I thought this piece was to be about 
“The Last Word.” 

Ted: So it is. 

Sue: Then let’s stop this fooling and get busy with the 
last word. 

Joe: All right—proceed. [Ida goes where Joe stood , Sue 
takes her place next to Jim, Jack remains where he was, 
Joe stands next to Jack, and Ted next to Joe. They make 
the changes without confusion and stand so their letters 
spell “G—o—o—d—b—y.”] 


HOW BEN WAS HUNG 47 

Sue: Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of 
our program. 

Jim: We have tried our best to please you. 

Sue : And we hope you have enjoyed our humble efforts. 
Jack: We thank you for your kind attention. 

J oe : And for the interest you have taken in this program. 

Ted : We now come to the last word and bid you a fond- 

All [heartily] ; GOOD-BY 1 


HOW BEN WAS HUNG 
CHARACTERS 

Ben, who likes to threaten Mr. Miller, his father 

Mrs. Miller, his mother Mary, his younger sister 

Bob, his younger brother 

Mrs. Miller sits sewing, Mary is playing with a doll, Bob 
sits on the floor playing with blocks, Ben is sitting by a 
table with a book. 

Ben : Ma, can’t I go over an’ play with Harley Black? 

Mrs. Miller: No, you can’t go, not today. 

Ben: Well, I don’t see why you have to be so mean to me. 

Mrs. Miller : I ’m not mean. It isn’t best for you to go. 

Ben: Well, if I was to die you’d feel sorry for the way 
you’ve treated me. I’ll bet I will die ’fore long, too. 

Mrs. Miller : I don’t think so. 

Mary: We don’t want you to die, Bennie. 

Ben : Ma, can’t I have a piece of pie? 

Mrs. Miller : No, not now; you must wait until dinner. 

Ben : There you go! Always treating me mean as you can. 
I’m goin ’ to run away from home; I ’ll go way up in the 
mountains an’ I bet a bear’ll eat me up an’ then you’ll 
wish you’d been kinder to me. 



48 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Miller : Don’t talk so silly. 

Bob [ready to cry] : I don’t want a bear to eat Bennie, 
’cause I wouldn’t have him to play with. 

Ben: Well, ma, can I take pa’s gun an’ play I’m a soldier 
goin’ to war? 

Mrs. Miller [firmly] : No, you can not. How many times 
has he told you never to touch that gun ? 

Mary: W’y, Bennie, you might shoot yourself clear dead. 

Ben: I wish I was dead—can’t do anything I want to. 
I’m goin’ to quit livin’, I am. I shan’t tell what I’m 
goin’ to do, but you’ll feel awful bad when you see me 
hangin’ with a rope ’round my neck. I know where 
there’s some rope. [Throws his book on the table and 
gets up.] 

Bob : Oh, let’s play horse with the rope. 

Ben: I’m goin’ to go an’ find a place in* the barn [threat¬ 
eningly to Mrs. Miller] an’ maybe you’ll cry when you 
see me hangin’ from the rafter. 

Mrs. Miller : I want you to stop such foolish talk. 

Mary : What ’s he going to do, mamma ? 

Ben: I’m goin’ to hang myself, I am. 

Enter Mr. Miller and stands, unobserved; by Ben 

Bob : What does that mean, Bennie ? 

Ben [darkly] : It means I’m goin’ t’hang myself till I’m 
dead ’cause ma’s so mean to me. I’m goin’ now an’ 
hang— 

Mr. Miller [stepping forward] : Yes, young man, you’re 
going to hang. [Takes him by shoulder.] A boy that 
talks this way needs to hang and you’re going to hang over 
my knee right now. [He sits, takes Ben over his knees 
and spanks him, Ben’s heels waving as curtain falls.] 


ANNOYING INTERRUPTIONS 


49 


ANNOYING INTERRUPTIONS 

CHARACTERS 

Tillie . a school girl who thinks she’s a young lady 

Hank . awkward boy who thinks he’s quite a man 

Grandma . who is deaf 

Uncle Sam . who likes to talk 

Chub.Tillie’s young brother 

Rosy . her little sister 

[The stage is set with a table, chairs, etc., as the living- 
room in Tillie’ s home] 

Enter Chub, ushering in Hank 

Chub: You can just set down an’ make yourself to home 
an’ I’ll call Tillie. You’ll likely have to wait quite a 
spell for her to git rigged up. 

Hank [ sitting ] : That’s all right; yes, that’s all right. I 
ain’t in a hurry. 

• Chub : Tillie thinks she’s gittin ’ growed up an ’ she makes 
ma most sick, the way she fusses an’ fixes, an’ togs an’ 
primps. 

Hank: You —would you mind tellin’ her I’m here? 

Chub: Course I’ll tell ’er. That’s what I’m goin’ to do; 
they ain’t no killin’ rush is there? 

Hank: Well, I got to git back home ’fore next week. 

Chub : Aw, you make me tired. [Goes off; a moment later 
he calls in a loud voice, off the stage, “Tillie, come ’long 
down; Hank’s here. Say, Tillie, git yer powder on an’ 
come ’long; he’s in a rush.”] 

Hank [rubbing his hands together nervously ] : I hope I 
can git up courage to ask Tillie to let me beau ’er to the 
debatin’ society. Gee, I wish I wasn’t so blamed scart of 
gals. [Gets up and walks the floor.] I hope I can remem¬ 
ber what to say. [Stops and strikes a pose.] “May I 








50 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


have the pleasure of your comp’ny to the Debatin’ Soci¬ 
ety, on a Thursday ev’nin’?” I wonder if I look all 
right. [ Fusses with his collar, fixes his coat, pulls his 
handkerchief from his pocket and wipes off his shoes.] 
I hope I don’t git so conflusticated I can’t talk. [Sits 
and tries to assume a grace fid attitude.] 

Enter Tillie 

Tillie: How-do-do, Hank. I’m real pleased to see you. 
[Hank gets up and shakes hands awkwardly with her; 
they stY.] I s’pose the folks are well. 

Hank: Yes, they’re real well—no, I mean they’re real 
mis’abul. 

Tillie [anxiously] : W’y, what’s the matter? 

Hank : Well, mom’s got the nooralgy an’ so she’s mis’abul, 
an’ pop’s mis’abul from hearin’ ’er complain. 

Tillie: Isn’t that too bad? [A pause while Hank fidgets 
nervously.] 

Hank : Say, Tillie—how’s your pop ? 

Tillie : Oh, pa’s real well. [Pause while Hank fixes his 
collar and clears his throat.] 

Hank : Say, Tillie, I want—to ask you—if— 

Enter Uncle Sam, briskly 

Uncle Sam: Hello, Hank. Where you been keepin’ your¬ 
self? Ain’t seen you in a coon’s age. Say, you’re all 
togged up, fit ter kill. Goin ’ somewheres ? 

Hank: W’y, I’m goin’ home after while. 

Uncle Sam: Well, great Scott, you don’t need to fix up 
like that jest to go home, do you? Say, how’s the folks? 

Hank: They’re well. 

Tillie: W’y, I thought you said your mother’s got noo¬ 
ralgy. 

Hank [nervously] : Oh, yes, mom’s got nooralgy. 

Uncle Sam : Say, Hank, did you read ’bout that feller in 


ANNOYING INTERRUPTIONS 


51 


the paper that’s invented that new rat trap? I’ll bet 
he’ll sell lots of ’em; seems like they’d be real good. 

Tillie [aside] : Oh, I wish he’d go—old bother. 

Uncle Sam : Say, Hank, did yon hear ’bont Jim Hawkins 
shootin’ that fox last week on his farm? Now I’d like 
to get a chance at a fox. I used to be a blamed good shot. 
W ’y, once when I— 

Tillie [ interrupting ] : Don’t forget that you’re goin’ to 
that board meetin’, Uncle Sam. 

Uncle Sam: By gum, that’s so. Say, Hank, has your 
father tried any of that new—, 

Tillie [firmly] : Well, you’re going to be late for that meet¬ 
in’ if you don’t go right off. 

Uncle Sam: Yes, that’s so. [Starts over.] Say, Hank, 
did you know that— [Tillie turns and gives him such a 
froivning stare that he takes the hint.] Well, I’ll tell you 
some other time. [Goes off.] 

Hank [fervently, aside] : Thank heaven he’s gone. [To 
Tillie] I—I wanted to ask you if it—would be con¬ 
venient an’ agreeable—to— 

Enter Rosy, running 

Rosy: Say, Tillie, say, can I — Oh, hello, Hank. [Gig¬ 
gles.] Did you come to see Tillie? 

Tillie: What is it you’re wantin’, Rosy? 

Rosy: Well, I want to know if you’ll— [dances about and 
giggles] say, Hank, I’ll bet you’re Tillie’s beau. 

Tillie: You go right out of this room. You go on, an’ 
I’m goin’ to tell ma on you, too. 

Rosy [saucily] : Oh, you think you’re smart. Say, Hank— 

Tillie [jumping up and calling loudly] : Ma, ma! You— 

Rosy: Oh, well, crosspatch, I don’t want to stay. [Runs 

Off.] 

Tillie [with relief ] : Well, she’s gone. [Looks at Hank 
expectantly.] 


52 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Hank [much fussed] : Say, Tillie, could I give the pleas¬ 
ure of—I mean, would you give me the pleasure of— 
of— 

Enter Chub hastily, whistling noisily 

Chub: I’d like to know where that— [Sees Tillie and 
Hank] well, good land, Hank, are you here yet? You’re 
quite a stayer. 

Tillie: Shame on you, to talk that way. I’ll tell pa on 
you. 

Hank [aside] : Yes, an’ I’m li’ble to be here some time yet 
’fore I git a chance to say what I want to. [#t<7/is.] 

Chub: Say, Tillie, where’s my ’rithmetic book? 

Tillie : How do I know where ’tis ? 

Chub: Well, I’ll bet you’ve done something with it. 

Tillie : I have not. You should have put it away. 

Chub : I did. I laid it right on a chair an ’ now it’s gone. 

Tillie [scoffingly] : Yes, put it away on a chair; that’s 
like you. Go ask ma where ’tis. 

Chub : All right. Good-by, Hank. [ Goes off ivhistling.] 

Tillie: There, he’s gone, thank goodness. [Smiles en¬ 
couragingly at Hank.] 

Hank: Tillie, you know ’bout the Debatin’ Society? 

Tillie: Yes. 

Hank: It’s on a Thursday night. 

Tillie: Yes. 

Hank: An’ I wanted to ask you, may I have the— [aside] 
How was I goin’ to say that? I’ve fergot. 

Enter Grandma 

Grandma [to herself] : I guess I’ll set in here awhile. 
[Sees Tillie and Hank.] W’y, Tillie, I didn’t know as 
you had comp’ny. How do do, Hank? [Shakes hands 
with him.] 

Hank [aside] : By gum, I may as well go home. 

Grandma: How’s your maw, Hank? 


ANNOYING INTERRUPTIONS 


53 


Hank : She’s got nooralgy in ’er head. 

Grandma: You say she’s got a new fashioned feather-bed? 
Well, that’s nice. I like a feather-bed myself, ’specially 
in winter. 

Hank [louder] : I said she ain’t feelin’ very well. 

Grandma : Yes, we’ve been havin ’ weather fer quite a spell. 
I s ’pose it ’ll storm soon. 

Tillie [loudly] : His mother has got nooralgy in ’er head. 

Grandma : Oh, that’s too bad. Did you come over to git 
some of my nooralgy med’cine? It’s real helpful in 
stoppin’ pain. 

Hank [to Tillie] : Tell ’er I came over to ask you to go to 
the Debatin’ Society with me Thursday night. [Aside] 
There, I’ve said it. 

Tillie [beaming on him] : Oh, Hank! [To Grandma] 
No, he didn’t come for medicine, Grandma. 

Hank [to Tillie] : You ask ’er, Tillie, if she thinks you’ll 
go with me. 

Tillie [happily to Hank] : Of course, I’ll go, Hank, an’ 
thank you. [To Grandma] Sit down, Grandma. I’m 
glad you came in. [Grandma sits.] 

Hank: Yes, I’m glad she happened in; guess I wouldn’t 
’a ’got to say what I come for if she hadn’t. 

Tillie : Seems like hers was a lucky interruption. 

Grandma: Are you sure I ain’t interruptin’ you? 

Tillie [happily] : No, you aren’t. 

Hank : Not a bit. 


CURTAIN 


54 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


A DULL CLASS 

FOR SEVEN CHILDREN, ONE TAKING THE PART OF A TEACHER 

Teacher: The class in composition will now recite. You 
may bring with you the work you were to prepare. Ready; 
pass. [The six march on and stand in line, facing the 
audience; Teacher sits at a desk or table at one side.] 

Number Three [raising a hand and waving it] : Teacher, 
I don’t want to read what I wrote—’tain’t any good. 

Number Five [raising and waving a hand] : Teacher, mine 
ain’t any good either. 

Teacher [rapping for order] : Silence. For your compo¬ 
sition lesson you were each to write an advertisement of 
something that had been lost, modeled after those that 
you often see in the newspaper. Number one, you may 
read what you wrote. 

Number One [reading from a paper] : When Mr. Jones, 
who lives on Locust street, came home today and found 
that his wife didn’t have dinner ready, he lost his temper. 
Any one finding it please return to the loser. 

Teacher [coldly] : I call that a poor advertisement. Next, 
you may read yours. 

Number Two [reads] : When Joseph Johnson went over to 
the other side of town last night to see his girl, he became 
so confused in the dark that he lost his way. Any one 
finding it please return to J. Johnson at once. 

Teacher : I don’t call that any better than the first one. 
Next, you may read. 

Number Three [reads] : Last night after supper William 
Dunbar, who had climbed up the stepladder to hang a 
picture for his wife, suddenly lost his balance. Will the 
finder return it and receive reward? 

Teacher [crossly] : That is just as poor as the other two. 
Number four, you may read what you wrote. 


A DULL CLASS 


55 


Number Four [reads] : Miss Julia Amesbury, who lives 
at No. 625 Wall street, yesterday lost a first-class oppor¬ 
tunity. Any one finding the same is asked to report to 
Miss Amesbury. 

Teacher : I can see where this class will have to stay after 
school and do this work over. Number five, read yours. 

Number Five [reads] : A young man who came from the 
country to work in the First National bank, finds that 
he has lost his reputation. The finder will please return 
it to the president of the bank and receive reward. 

Teacher: I never knew this class to do such poor work 
before. I declare, you must be dull. Number six, let us 
hear what you wrote. 

Number Six: Last night when John Williams called on a 
young lady for the purpose of proposing to her, he lost 
his nerve. He hopes the finder will return it before he 
goes to see her again. 

Teacher: This work doesn’t suit me at all. You are ab¬ 
solutely the dullest class in school. Listening to such fool¬ 
ishness as this, it is a wonder I haven’t lost something, 
too. 

Number One: What? Your mind? 

Teacher [scornfully] : No, my sunny disposition. You 
may pass to your seats and write these over again. I 
will hear you recite after school. 

Number Three [raising and waving a hand] : Teacher, I 
told you mine wasn’t any good. 

Number Five [the same] : Teacher, so did I. 

Teacher: Silence. Pass to your seats. [They pass off.] 


56 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


ADOPTING A CHILD 


Sarah Jane 'i 
Mary Ann j 

Julia. 

Mickie. 

Petunia. 

Tub. 

Mrs. O’Connor 


CHARACTERS 


.... maiden sisters 

. the maid 

. .who looks gentle 
.. a nice little girl 

. a fat hoy 

mother of Mickie 


Scene : The living-room of the maiden sisters. 

They are discovered, toying with fancy work. 

Sarah Jane: Since dear grandpa has left us, life seems 
sort of sad and dreary, don’t you think, Mary Ann ? 

Mary Ann [ sighing ] : Yes, quite so. It gave us something 
to do, fixing his foods, giving him his medicine, and seeing 
that he took his naps, and all. 

Sarah Jane [ sadly ] : Yes, and his cross spells were quite 
entertaining. We never knew what he was going to 
scold about next. 

Mary Ann : And it took up our time reading the papers 
to him every day. 

Sarah Jane : I think we are very wise to decide to adopt 
a child to take dear grandpa’s place. A child in the 
house will brighten our home and liven our dull hours. 

Mary Ann : Yes, I think so. I am sure we shall love him— 

Sarah Jane [quickly\ : Oh, not a him—a her. We better 
have a girl. 

Mary Ann : But I was thinking that a boy could do so 
many things for us when he gets older. 

Sarah J ane : But girls are easier to manage. 

Mary Ann : Couldn’t we get a quiet, gentle boy, one who 
would be nice? 








ADOPTING A CHILD 57 

Sarah Jane [doubtfully] : Well, I suppose there are quiet 
ones. 

Mary Ann : Did you send word to the folks at the Chil¬ 
dren ’s Home that we want to adopt a child ? 

Sarah Jane: Yes, and I sent word to that woman who 
works among the poor folks in the factory district. She 
may know of a nice child who needs a home. 

Mary Ann : That is good. Think how we’ll enjoy a quiet 
little child who will love us. 

Sarah Jane : Yes, indeed. 

Enter Julia 

Julia: Please, ma’am, there’s a man out here from the 
Children’s Home, with a tub that he wants to leave here. 

Mary Ann : A tub ? There must be a mistake. 

Julia [disdainfully] : Well, not re’lly a tub, ma’am, but 
he looks like it, I’ll say. 

Sarah Jane : Oh, a boy ? 

Julia: Yes, ma’am, a boy; and he wants to leave ’im here, 
but I told ’im there must be a mistake. 

Mary Ann [nsing] : I’ll go and see. [Goes out quickly.] 

Sarah Jane : A boy! I much prefer a nice little girl. 

Julia [amazed] : My sakes, ma’am, you ain’t thinkin’ of 
havin ’ a young ’un here to stay, are you ? 

Sarah Jane: Well, we are thinking of adopting a child 
to-- 

Julia [excited] : My sakes, ma’am, what you walkin’ into 
trouble that way for? [Aside] What do old maids know 
’bout bringin ’ up a child ? 

Sarah Jane [sentimentally] : Think how a childish voice 
would brighten this dull house. 

Julia [crossly] : It’s the childish botheration I’m thinkin’ 
of. I’ll warn you, ma’am, I’ll not stay here an’ be put 
upon by a child’s pesteration. [Goes off.] 



58 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Enter Mary Ann with Tub 

[He is dressed and padded to make him look fat.] 

Mary Ann: See, sister, isn’t he a nice little boy? [Aside] 
He looks as if he’d be good. [She seats him.] 

Sarah Jane [looking him over] : Well, I—at least there’s 
quite a lot of him. [To hoy] What’s your name? 

Tub: I got a name out the Bible, but it’s so long I can’t 
’member it. Folks call me Tub. 

Sarah Jane: Tub? 

Tub: Yes, ’cause I’m so fat. [Proudly] I’m the fattest 
one at the Home, I be. [To Sarah Jane] What’s your 
name ? 

Sarah Jane: You may call me Aunt Sarah Jane. 

Tub: That’s too long. I’ll call you Janie. There was a 
girl to the Home named Janie. I like her. 

Sarah Jane [to Mary Ann] : He seems to be real nice. 

Tub: I’m hungry. [ Proudly ] I’m a awful eater. I could 
eat the most of anybody at The Home. 

Mary Ann : I shall make him some of my ginger cookies. 

Sarah Jane: I shall make him some raisin bread. 

Tub : I want some toys to play with. 

Mary Ann [to Sarah Jane]: We’ll have to buy some 
toys. We haven’t any in the house. 

Tub: I’d like a hammer and some nails. I like to drive 
nails. 

Enter Julia 

Julia: If you please, ma’am, there’s a woman out here 
with a little girl. She’s in a hurry. 

Sarah Jane [rising] : A little girl? I’ll go see. [Goes 
off .] 

Julia : Land sakes, ma’am, if you’re goin’ to fill this house 
up with young ’uns, I’m goin’ to give notice, an’ right 
soon, too. 

Tub [sociably] : What’s your name? 


ADOPTING A CHILD 


59 


Julia [ crossly ]: Rix-an ’-sticks-an ’-Betsy-Leno-re, 

Once is ’nuff—I’ll tell you no more. 

Tub [ pleasantly ] : That’s a nice name. Can you bake 
cookies ? 

Julia: There, now, ma’am, you see. He’ll be always 
wantin’ to eat; you can tell by the looks of ’im. 

Tub [proudly] : I’m a awful big eater. I don’t hardly 
never get filled up. 

Julia [horrified, to Mary Ann] : An’ I’ll bet that’s the 
gospel truth, ma’am. [Goes out.] 

Enter Sarah Jane with Petunia 

[Petunia is a pretty girl with curly hair; she wears a 
queer dress, small and very short for her.] 

Sarah Jane [proudly]: Oh, sister, see this dear little girl. 
The woman who works over in the factory district sent 
her. She needs a good home. She’s very well behaved, 
they say. 

Petunia [pointing to Tub] : Who’s that? 

Mary Ann : A nice little boy who has come to stay with us. 
Petunia [laughing and pointing at him] : Ho, ho, .ho! 

Ain’t he fat? He’s fatter’n Santy Claus. 

Tub [boastingly] : I can eat more’n you can. 

Petunia [making a face at him] : You can’t neither. 

Sarah Jane : Now; Petunia, you must be a nice little lady 
You must have nice manners. 

Petunia : What’s manners ? Is it good to eat ? 

Tub : I’m awful hungry. I want a cooky. 

Petunia: I want a cooky, too. 

Tub : I’d like ’bout four cookies. 

Petunia [shaming him with her fingers] : Shame, you big 
Pig- 

Sarah Jane: Oh my! Petunia, you mustn’t speak that 
way. You must have more consideration for- 



60 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Petunia [ jerking Sarah Jane’s skirt]: What’s consid- 
’rashum ? Show me what it looks like. 

Tub [ sighing ] : Ain ’t it most time to eat ? 

Mary Ann: Yes, before long. [To Sarah Jane] Isn’t he 
a nice, quiet little boy ? 

Sarah Jane [watching Petunia, who is looking about the 
room] : Isn’t she the dearest little girl? [She and Mary 
Ann come up and stand near the front.] 

Mary Ann : I think we must adopt the little boy. 

Sarah Jane [firmly] : We ought to adopt the little girl. 

Mary Ann: We might keep both; they’d be so much com¬ 
pany for each other. [Petunia has crept up and given 
Tub’s hair a sharp pull.] 

Tub [with a shriek] : You quit that now. 

Petunia [making a face at him] : Oh, you big baby! 

Mary Ann [turning quickly] : What’s the matter? 

Tub : She—she—pulled my hair—awful. 

Petunia : I never did. 

Tub : You did. 

Mary Ann: You naughty girl. 

Petunia : I just pulled it a little, tiny bit. 

Tub : Can I have some bread an ’ butter ? 

Petunia: Can I have some bread an’ butter an’ jam? 

Sarah Jane : We ought to give them a lunch. 

Petunia : I want a doll to play with. 

Sarah Jane: Of course you must have a doll; we’ll go 
down town and buy one. 

Petunia : I want a great, great big one. 

Enter Julia with Mickle 

[He shoidd be a pretty good size, wearing a waist and 
ragged trousers that are too small, to give him a youth¬ 
ful look.] 

Julia : Well, ma’am, here’s another one that says he’s come 


ADOPTING A CHILD 


61 


to be ’dopted. If this keeps on, I’m giving you notice 
that I’m leavin’ ’bout tonight. 

Mary Ann : Well, I’ll declare. 

Sarah Jane : Another boy. 

Mickie : I’ve come to stay. 

Julia : Listen to that now. 

Mary Ann : But why did you come here ? 

Mickie : Shure, I’ve come to be ’dopted. 

Mary Ann : Who sent you ? 

Mickie : I heard the one that brung her [points to Petunia] 
tellin’ that you wants to ’dopt a child, so I’ve come. [To 
Tub] Hello, Fatty. 

Mary Ann : Sh-h-h-h, don’t speak that way. 

Mickie [laughing] : Well, ain’t he fat ? Can’t you see with 
yer two eyes that he’s fat ? 

Tub : I can eat a awful lot. 

Mickie : Huh, so kin I. 

Tub [boastingly] : I can eat ’bout a panful. 

Mickie: Huh, I kin eat ’bout a barrelful. [He makes a 
face at Tub.] 

Julia: Look at that now. I’ll be leavin’ soon. [Goes out; 
Petunia slips up back of Mickie and pulls his hair.] 

Mickie [yelling] : Here, now, be after quittin’ that. 

Sarah Jane : What’s the matter ? 

Mickie: She’s pullin’ out me hair. 

Petunia [making a face at him] : Then you quit teasin’ 
him. [Points to Tub.] 

Mary Ann: Where do you live? 

Mickie : Over here [points off] , but they was so mean to 
me I runned off, an’ I’m goin’ to stay with you. Have 
you got any cookies? 

Tub : I want some cookies. 

Petunia : I want some cookies. 

Sarah Jane: You shall have some. [She goes off.] 


62 JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 

Tub: I want a hammer an’ some nails. I want to drive 
nails. 

Petunia [jerking at Mary Ann’s skirt ] : I want a doll to 
play with. 

Mary Ann: Yes, after awhile. 

Petunia [loudly] : I want it NOW. [Stamps her foot.] 

Mickie [ pointing his finger at Petunia] : You’re a bad 
girl. 

Petunia: I am not. [Shouts the last word.] I don’t 
like you. [She runs over and slaps him.'] 

Mary Ann [grabbing her] : Here, you must be good. 

Mickie : Take that, ye little imp. [Slaps her.] 

Mary Ann: Here, stop, stop. [Grabs Mickie.] 

Tub [coming over and hitting Mickie] : You let her be; 
she’s my girl. 

Mary Ann: Stop, stop, I say. [Grabs Tub.] 

Petunia [stamping her foot] : I am not your girl. 

Tub : You are too. 

Mickie [shaking his fist at Tub] : She’s my girl. 

Petunia [making a face at Mickie] : I am not— I’m his girl. 
[Points to Tub.] 

MaryAnn: Stop, stop, now. That isn ’t a nice way to talk. 

Enter Sarah Jane with a dish of cookies 

Sarah Jane : Now sit down and be polite and you may have 
some cookies. [Children sit; Mary Ann sinks into a chair 
as if worn out.] 

Tub: I’m awful hungry. 

Sarah Jane [passing the cookies] : You may each take 
two. [The children start eating. Tub has the extra 
cooky in his left hand, held out at the side, ichile eating 
the one held in his right hand. Mickie reaches over and 
steals the cooky from Tub’s left hand and runs across 
to the other side of the room.] 

Tub: Now, you give that back. [Starts after Mickie, 


ADOPTING A CHILD 


63 


stumbles against a chair and falls to floor; begins to bawl 
out loud. Sarah Jane runs to help him up; Mary Ann 
grabs Mickie.] 

Mary Ann : Yon naughty boy, to take his cooky. You’re— 
naughty. [Shakes Mickie.] 

Enter Mrs. O’Connor 

Mrs. O’Connor: Shure now, ma’am, I’d like to be askin’ 
ye, what for are ye shakin’ me dear little Mickie? I’d 
thank ye to be after stoppin ’ it, an ’ right quick, too. 

Mary Ann : He was naughty. 

Mrs. O’Connor [loudly]: Naughty, was it? Shure, he’s 
the bist little boy in town. Ye can’t be makin’ me think 
little Mickie’d be bad. An ’ I’d like to know, ma ’am, what 
yer doin ’ with ’im here ? Is it tryin ’ to steal ’im yez are ? 
I’ve a notion to have yez arristed, shure I am that. Steal- 
in’ me little Mickie from right under me nose, an’ in broad 
daylight, too. 

Sarah Jane : He just came here of his own will. 

Mrs. O’Connor [to Mickie] : Now thin, what’d ye do that 
for? Tell me. 

Mickie : I wanted to be ’dopted. 

Mrs. O’Connor: Shure now, if ye ain’t the worst boy in 
town. Come along home wid me. [Takes him by the 
arm.] An’ as for ye, ma’am, I’ll be thankin’ ye not to 
coax ’im in here again. [Goes off with Mickie.] 

Mary Ann: Thank goodness he’s gone. [Tub slips over 
and gets a handfid of cookies from the plate Sarah Jane 
set on the table.] 

Petunia: You quit takin’ all the cookies. [She runs up 
and begins to beat Tub on the chest with both hands as 
fast as she can make her fists go.] 

Tub: Now you stop. [Begins to cry out loud.] 

Petunia [loudly] : Cry baby! Cry baby! 

Enter Julia 


64 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Julia: Land sakes, ma’am, what’s all this racket ’bout? 

It’s a wonder it don’t scare the neighbors. 

Mary Ann [weakly] : Julia, you take this boy back to the 
Children’s Home and tell them we don’t want to keep 
him any longer. 

Sarah Jane [ faintly ]: And Julia, take this little girl back 
to the folks who sent her and say we can’t keep her. 

Julia: That’s what I’ll do, ma’am, right now, an’ will¬ 
ingly too, ma ’am. Come along with me an ’ I ’ll give you 
some more cookies. [Takes one with each hand ancll 
marches them off the stage.] 

Tub [as they go off] : I’m hungry. 

Petunia : I want a dolly. [Julia goes off with them.] 

Mary Ann : How nice it will be to have the house quiet. 
Sarah Jane: Yes, indeed. We can get a good rest. 

CURTAIN 

Note: The effect is more humorous if the three children are nearly 
as large as those who play the part of the adults, accentuating their 
youth by dressing them as little folks. Keep the lines moving briskly 
and do not let them drag. Put in plenty of action. 


A MEETING OF CELEBRITIES 


Red Riding Hood 
Cinderella 
Goldilocks 
Sleeping Beauty 


CHARACTERS 

Jack-the-Giant-Killer 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk 

Aladdin 

Hiawatha 


STAGE ARRANGEMENT 

If possible have the stage decorated with branches, plants, 
vines, flowers, crepe-paper streamers or whatever is avail¬ 
able, to give it a festive appearance. Boxes or blocks of 
wood, covered with dark green cloth, should be placed in 
various spots for seats. 


A MEETING OF CELEBRITIES 


65 


COSTUMES 

The characters should be dressed in keeping with their parts: Hia¬ 
watha in Indian costume; Aladdin with turban and long trousers 
gathered in at the ankle; Sleeping Beauty in fancy gown; Riding 
Hood in red cape and hood; Goldilocks with light hair flying and 
ordinary dress; Cinderella in soiled, ragged gown, etc. 

Enter Jack-of-the-Beanstalk 

Jack: Plague take the luck, it’s time to climb that old 
beanstalk again. Mother was saying this morning that 
we’re getting short on funds and I’ll have to make an¬ 
other trip up to the old giant’s place. Some folks may 
think it fun, climbing up and up, up and up, up and up 
into the sky, but I don’t. I get dizzy as anything before 
I get there. [ Walks along slowly, shaking his head.'] 
That giant is a terror, too. What if he happens to get 
me some time and—eat me up ? [ Shows terror.] I don’t 
want to be eaten up—I ’ll say I don’t! W ’y, that would 
be—awful! Now, why couldn’t I have been somebody 
else—Hop-o’-my-Thumb, or—or Hiawatha? Say, Hia¬ 
watha has a grand time, out in the woods with birds and 
deer, riding in a canoe and not having to meet any giants. 
I’d like to be Hiawatha. [ Goes over and sits, moodily.] 

Enter Red Riding Hood [ carrying a basket] 

Riding Hood : Well, I suppose I must make that visit to 
my grandmother and take these things I have for her. 
Of course [ looks at her cape proudly], I look nice in my 
red hood and cape', and I know the children like to look 
at the pictures of me, but I hate to go through the woods 
and meet that ugly wolf. I think I ’ll just rest here awhile 
before I go on. [She doesnH see Jack, but takes a seat 
at a different part of the stage.] 

Jack [who has been watching her] : Well, I’ll declare, if 
that isn’t Red Riding Hood. She’s silly to complain about 
going to see her grandmother. I think it would be no end 


66 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


of sport to find that wolf in bed with the cap and night¬ 
gown on, and have the wood choppers come in and kill 
him. Now why couldn’t I have been in a story like that ? 
[Shakes his head and sighs.] 

Enter Aladdin [with a little, old lamp] 

Aladdin [at one side, not noticing the others] : Here I am 
with my queer old lamp. [Looks at it closely.] It isn’t 
much for looks, but it can do some wonderful things. I 
suppose the boys and girls who read about Aladdin and 
his lamp think I’m mighty fortunate, but [sighs] it gets 
tiresome, rubbing a lamp and having it bring you things. 
Now I’d rather have some snappy adventure, such as 
climbing a beanstalk and stealing from an ugly giant, the 
way Jack does. He’s a fortunate fellow. [Conies up and 
sits near the front.] 

Jack: Well, would you listen to that! Aladdin must be 
crazy! 

Aladdin [crossly to the lamp] : I don’t know what I want 
next; I’m tired of wishing for things. Sometimes I think 
you’re too much of a good thing. 

Enter Cinderella 

Cinderella [looking about the stage] : Oh, here are oth¬ 
ers. I wonder who they are. Neither of these boys look 
very cheerful, it seems to me. I wonder what’s the mat¬ 
ter. [Gazing at Riding Hood.] That looks like—it sure¬ 
ly looks like—Red Riding Hood. 

Riding Hood [rising and coming over] : Yes, I’m Red 
Riding Hood, but I—I don’t think I recognize you. 

Cinderella : What, not in this old gown ? I should think 
you’d know I ’In Cinderella. 

Jack [coming forward ] : Say, I’d like to see the pumpkin 
and rats made into a coach and horses. That must be 
grand. 


A MEETING OF CELEBRITIES 


67 


Cinderella [sighing] : Yes, but now ’days every one of im¬ 
portance goes in a big automobile. 

Enter Jack-the-Giant-Killer 

Jack-the-Killer : How-de-do, folks. Is this a party? 

Cinderella : It may be if folks keep coming. I think you ’d 
better introduce yourself. 

Jack-the-Killer: Certainly. I’m Jack-the-Giant-Killer; 
you may have heard of me. I’m real popular with chil¬ 
dren who like to read stories. 

Cinderella [moving back] : Oh, the Giant Killer. How 
thrilling! 

Aladdin [rising and coming over] : You are? Say, that’s 
great. Now that’s something worth while, going round 
killing giants. Say, suppose I rub my lamp and have 
it bring some giants here, right now, for you to kill. I’d 
like to see how you do it. 

Riding Hood [ screams ) : Oh, no! I’m sure it would 
frighten me terribly to see a real giant. 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk [coming up eagerly] : Yes, do. I 
may have to kill one some of these days, you know, and 
I’d like to get some ideas about it. 

Jack-the-Killer [carelessly] : Oh, you just kill ’em. Cut 
off their heads is a pretty good way. 

Cinderella [with a scream] : Frightful! [Sternly to 
Aladdin] Don’t you bring one here. 

Aladdin : All right; what the ladies say is law. 

Enter Sleeping Beauty 
[and stands at the back, unnoticed] 

Jack-the-Killer : You know, I’d like to have a more peace¬ 
ful life, and have something more—well, sentimental. 
Now, I’d like to be the Prince who comes along and wakes 
up the Sleeping Beauty. 

Riding Hood [enviously] : Oh, wouldn’t it be wonderful 
to be the Sleeping Beauty? 


68 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Sleeping Beauty [ coming forward ]: No, no! Think how 
terrible it is to have to sleep and sleep, and sleep and 
sleep, and sleep and sleep, for a hundred years! 

Cinderella : But you ought not to mind when you’re asleep. 

Sleeping Beauty [ sighing ]: Yes, but every one dreams 
when they’re asleep. I’m sure I shall be always dreaming 
that the Prince forgets to wake me. 

Cinderella [ comfortingly ] : Oh, it will come out all right 
—stories always do, you know. 

Jack-the-Killer [ grumbling ] : I don’t see why I couldn’t 
have been that Prince. [Aside.] She’s some peach. 

Aladdin: Maybe if I rub my lamp and wish hard I can 
have you changed to the Prince who wakes her. 

Riding Hood : Oh, no; don’t try. Think how awful it 
would be if anything would go wrong by changing and he 
wouldn’t get her waked up. 

J ack-the-Killer : Humph ! It only takes a kiss to wake 
her and I guess I could do that. I’ll show you. [ Starts 
for Sleeping Beauty.] 

Sleeping Beauty [backing off in fright] : Oh, no, no! 

Aladdin : Not right here before folks. Haven’t you any 
manners ? 

Jack-the-Killer [sadly, turning away\ : I suppose I’ll 
have to be Jack-the-Giant-Killer until the end of time. 
[Stamps his foot and speaks fiercely] I feel like killing 
one right now. 

Sleeping Beauty [nervously to others ] : I’m afraid of him. 

Aladdin : I ’ll rub my lamp and wish him out of the place. 

Cinderella : Yes, do. [Aladdin rubs his lamp, muttering 
and making motions toward Jack-the-Killer, who has 
his back to them.] 

Jack-the-Killer: I’ll not stay here. I’m going. [Goes 
. off quickly with heavy steps.] 

Sleeping Beauty : Thank you, good, kind lamp. 

Aladdin: He’ll not come back. [They all follow a few 


A MEETING OF CELEBRITIES 


69 


steps toward the side, watching to see that he doesn’t re¬ 
turn .] 

Enter Goldilocks 

[She stands at one side, looking at the group at the other 
side.'] 

Goldilocks : What a dear red cape and hood! I’d like to 
be the girl who wears them; no, I’d like to be that one 
with the pretty dress on. I wonder if they are out of 
stories too. [The others turn aiid come hack to the cen¬ 
ter; they look at her curiously.] 

Cinderella : Another one. 

Goldilocks [going nearer] : I’m Goldilocks. 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk: I see they are; they’re pretty, 
too. 

Cinderella : What, little Goldilocks, who visited the three 
bears ? 

Goldilocks: Yes, the same. 

Cinderella : How splendid! I’ve always wished I could 
have been there to hear the father-bear say [deep voice], 
“Some one has been sleeping on my bed and mussed it 
all up,” and the mother-bear say [shrill voice], “Some 
one has been sleeping on my bed and mussed it all up. ’ ’ 

Goldilocks: Be glad you weren’t there. It was terrible! 
I was so frightened I jumped right out of the window. 

Riding Hood: I know how you felt; just the way I did 
when I found the wolf, with the big eyes and teeth, in my 
grandmother’s cap and nightgown, wanting to eat me up. 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk: Wish I could have seen those 
bears. 

Goldilocks [admiringly] : Oh, but you have wonderful 
adventures, stealing the giants and other things. 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk [moodily] : Yes, but I don’t have 
any lamp like this wonderful one of Aladdin’s. 


70 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Enter Hiawatha [He stands looking at them stolidly with 
his arms folded ] 

Riding Hood [aside] : Oh, isn’t he charming! 

Aladdin : Who are yon, my fine fellow ? 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk : Seems as if I ought to know 
him. 

Hiawatha [with great dignity ] : 

From the shores of Gitehe Gumee, 

From the shining Big-Sea-Water, 

With the forest darn. behind it, 

Dark with black and gloomy pine trees; 

Where the deer starts from the thicket, 

Where the squirrel hoards his acorns, 

And the pheasant sits a-drumming, 

I have come to meet with pale face; 

Know me—I am Hiawatha. 

The Girls [with admiration ]: Oh-h-h-h! 

Aladdin [aside] : Is he out of a story too ? 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk: Well, I’ll declare. I’ve often 
envied you, Hiawatha; you have lots of good hunting - 
with no giants to scare you. 

Hiawatha [coming to the center, the others standing on 
each side of him ]: 

Killing wild geese flying northward, 

Killing deer with spreading antlers, 

Or the black bear, big and clumsy, 

Is tame sport that I’ve grown tired of; 

I would like to meet some giants— 

Meet and show them who can conquer. 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk: Say, I’ll tell you, Hiawatha; 
you go up the beanstalk and visit the giant. I’ve had my 
fill of it. 

Hiawatha [disdainfully] : Too much beanstalk; heap too 
much climbing. 

Aladdin : Say, I ’ll rub my lamp and bring a giant here 
for you to scalp. How’s that? 


A MEETING OF CELEBRITIES 


71 


Cinderella: Not while I’m here; my Prince wouldn’t 
want me exposed to such danger. 

Sleeping Beauty [ frightened ] : Indeed, no. [To Hia¬ 
watha] How would you like to come along with me and 
be the one who shall wake me after my hundred years’ 
sleep ? That’s better than so much killing. [Beams upon 
him .] 

Hiawatha [hacking off ]: Ugh, no! Me no want pale-face 
lady. Me go back to Minnehaha. [Stalks off with dig¬ 
nity.'] 

Sleeping Beauty [sadly] : Well, I suppose there’s no help 
for it. I must go back and sleep until that same one 
comes and wakes me. 

Cinderella: And I must go back and finish cleaning up 
the hearth so godmother will get me ready for the ball. 

Riding Hood: That’s not half so bad as facing the deceit¬ 
ful wolf. I’m so tired of him. 

Goldilocks: Yes, but one wolf isn’t half so bad as three 
bears. 

Aladdin : Say! I ’ll get my lamp to bring an airship and 
we’ll all fly off to a distant country and do as we please. 

Sleeping Beauty: Wonderful! Let’s go. [Cries from 
the others of, “Yes, let’s do it,” etc.] 

Cinderella : I hate to disappoint my Prince; who else can 
wear the glass slipper? And think how the children will 
feel to have their favorite stories ruined! [All begin to 
ponder sadly.] 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk : 

There’s only one thing for us to do— 

Go back and make our stories come true. 

Goldilocks: Oh, dear! What a commonplace ending to 

* this meeting! 

Sleeping Beauty [yawning] : I’m so sleepy. [She closes 
her eyes and falls over against one of the others. They 
all catch her and hold her.] 


i 


72 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Cinderella : Oh! Oh! She’s gone to sleep before she gets 
back to the castle! \Great excitement.] 

Riding Hood : Whatever can we do ? 

Aladdin: I’ll have my lamp bring an automobile and take 
her to the castle. 

Jack-of-the-Beanstalk : An airship will be better. The 
roads may be poor, you know. 

Aladdin: Yes, yes, that’s so. Carry her over there where 
an airship can land. [ The others carry Sleeping Beauty 
off the stage; Aladdin follows, rubbing his lamp and mut¬ 
tering to it.] 

Goldilocks [just before they go off] : There was some ex¬ 
citement after all. 

CURTAIN 


A JOKE ON THE JOKERS 


CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Morris 
Earl | 

Mabel ) . 

Chester ) 

Janet /.. 

Mr. Elwood. 


her children 


. .neighbors 
the minister 


Scene: The Morris living-room 

Discovered: Earl and Mabel seated near each other 

Mabel [crossly] : I think sister is a mean smarty. 

Earl : She’s the limit; what’s the matter now ? 

Mabel: Oh, she was in such a hurry to get all fussed up 
before that fellow comes that she left me all the dishes 
to wipe by myself. 





A JOKE ON THE JOKERS 


73 


Earl: That’s just like her. She’d a heap rather fix her 
hair and tog herself up than help with the work. 

Mabel : I’d just like to play a joke on her to get even with 

her. 

Earl: We ought to play a joke on that fellow who’s com¬ 
ing to see her; then maybe he wouldn’t come any more; 
that would make her awful mad. 

Mabel : Oh, let’s play a joke on him! [Jumps up excited- 

Earl: But what can we do? We. might put a pin on his 
chair. 

Mabel: No, that’s too old. [Listens.] Oh, I hear Janet. 
[Runs over to one side.] Come in here, Janet. 

Enter Janet and Chester 

Janet : Hello, we can stay an hour. 

Chester: We’ve come over to play authors. 

Earl: That’s fine. You and I will play against the girls 
an’ beat ’em like everything. 

Janet [mockingly] : Oh, will you? 

Mabel: Say, can’t you think of some joke we can play on 
sister’s fellow, who’s coming tonight? He’ll be here be¬ 
fore long. 

Chester [thinking] : W’y—I—say, I know one! They 
played it on my Uncle Harry at a party. 

Earl : Tell us about it. [The others draw near him eager- 

ly •] 

Chester: Two fellows ’bout the same height kneel down 
and hold their hands out like this [holds his hands out in 
front of him, close together], to make the sides of a big, 
easy chair; then you cover ’em over with a blanket, an ’ 
fix it so it looks like a nice chair. When somebody sits 
down in it, he goes whack! slam! onto the floor. 

Earl: Oh, say, I’d like to see it! 

Mabel: We’ll try it on this fellow who’s coming to see 


74 JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 

sister. She’ll be dreadfully mad. I’ll get a blanket. 
[Runs off.] 

Janet : You two boys will be just right to make the chair, 
you ’re ’bout the same height. Can you keep still and not 
wiggle ? 

Chester: Course we can. 

Enter Mabel [with a blanket or a large, dark shawl] 
Janet: Now you two boys kneel down and we’ll try mak¬ 
ing the chair. 

[They kneel a little over two feet apart, each with his 
arms out close together forming an arm of the chair; 
the girls cover them with the blanket and have an in¬ 
teresting time getting it fixed to look like a comfortable 
chair.] 

Mabel: There, this is fine. 

Janet: Yes, it looks like a real, honest-to-goodness chair. 
Chester [as the boys throw the cover off and rise] : Don’t 
be too long in getting him seated or we may get wobbly. 
Mabel: Mother is getting ready for a concert and sister 
told me to bring him in here and entertain him till she got 
down, so we’ll have a fine chance to play our joke. 
Janet: We must hurry when we hear the bell. I can fin¬ 
ish fixing the chair while Mabel goes to the door. 
Chester: We’ll have it back here. [He points to a spot 
nearly at the center of the back.] That’s the best place. 
[A bell rings off stage.] 

Earl: There he is! [The boys kneel, facing the front of 
the stage.] 

Janet: Oh, hurry, hurry! [She and Mabel cover the 
boys.] Now, I can finish fixing it. [Mabel goes off, 
Janet gets (< the chair” arranged.] 

Enter Mabel with the Minister 
Mr. Elwood [to Janet] : Good evening, Miss Janet. [To 
Mabel] I want to see your mother a few minutes. I 


A JOKE ON THE JOKERS 


75 


suppose she*s going to the concert, but this is a matter of 
business that will not take long. [He walks toward the 
chair they have fixed.'] 

Mabel [nervously] : I—Ill call her. Take this chair, 
please. [Points to another chair.] 

Mr. Elwood : No, this big one looks so inviting I think I 
rather sit here. 

Janet [frightened] : I—I—don’t think—it’s as good as 
it looks. 

Mr. Elwood [in front of it, ready to sit] : I’m sure I shall 
enjoy it very much. [He sits down heavily, going to the 
floor, carrying the hoys with him.] 

Mabel [screaming] : Oh, oh, we didn’t mean— 

Mr. Elwood [loud groan] : Oh, my—my—sakes! 

Janet: Oh, are you hurt? 

Mr. Elwood [another loud groan] : Of course I’m hurt. 

Enter Mrs. Morris, running 

Mrs. Morris : What is this noise ? Oh, mercy, Pastor, what 
has happened? 

Mr. Elwood [bewildered] : I don’t know—a queer chair, 
surely. 

Chester [under cover] : Get him off of us. 

Mr. Elwood [getting up with great effort] : What sort of 
a way is this to treat a minister? [Feels of himself to dis¬ 
cover whether any hones are broken.] This is—outrage¬ 
ous. 

Mabel [half crying] : We didn’t mean it for you. 

Janet: We tried to get you not to sit here. [The hoys' 
come out from under the cover, quite crestfallen.] 

Earl : We ’re sorry, sir. 

Mrs. Morris [glaring at Earl and Mabel] : If this is an¬ 
other of your smart tricks, I’ll- 

Janet [to Chester] : I guess we better go. [She and 
Chester slip out.] 



76 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mr. Elwood [sitting in a chair after making sure it is safe] : 
Oh, never mind, Mrs. Morris; children will be children 
and nobody is hurt. 

Mabel : We meant it—for—sister’s beau. 

Mrs. Morris : How shocking! You two go right straight to 
bed; I ’ll settle with you in the morning. 

Mr. Elwood [as they start off] : When the joke is on the 
jokers, it isn’t so funny, is it? 

curtain. 


THE SPRITES COME VISITING 

FOR FIFTEEN CHILDREN 

A Discontented Child [boy or girl] 

Two representing Play Two representing Rest 

Two representing Work Two representing Joy 

Two representing Study Two representing Trouble 

Two representing Anger 

COSTUMES 

The Discontented Child wears ordinary school clothing. The 
others all wear jackets and caps of crepe paper. The jackets are made 
by cutting a hole at the center of a straight piece of paper, through 
which to slip the head, and they should reach somewhat below the 
waist. They are to be belted with a strip of paper tied at the left side. 
The caps are cut in two pieces and glued together down the sides, as 
shown in the illustration; they all have a rosette in the front; those 
for the boys have streamers at the back, hanging down about twelve 
inches; those for the girls have a narrow strip of paper going from the 
right side, under the chin, to the left side, with two narrow streamers 
hanging at the left side. The two Troubles wear black jackets and 
caps; Works wear brown; Studys, brown trimmed with yellow; 
Plays, pink trimmed with light green; Rests, light blue trimmed 
with white; Joys, red; Angers, gray with black trimming. 

STAGE ARRANGEMENTS 

The chair for The Child is placed at the center of the back of the 
stage; at the right of this chair and two feet distant place two chairs, 


THE SPRITES COME VISITING 


77 


side by side, and at the left two others; at the center of the right 
side place two chairs, and at the opposite side of the stage, facing 
these, two others; at the right corner of the front, place diagonally 
so the one seated there faces the center of the stage, one chair, and 
another in the same position at the left corner of the front. If de¬ 
sired, boxes, covered with dark cloth, may be used in place of part of 
the chairs. 

Enter The Discontented Child 

Child: I don’t see much fun in life. Now there’s school 
where they want us to study, study, study, whether we 
feel like it or not. Great long words to learn to spell, ex¬ 
amples to do, horrid multiplication tables to learn, long 
division to wrestle with, and fractions—say, fractions are 
the limit, aren’t they now? Geography lessons ’bout 
places all over the whole world; history lessons ’bout 
things that happened long before my great-great-great- 
great-grandfather was born, and language lessons that 
get you mixed up over seen and saw , and was and were, 
and parts of speech like conjections and inter junctions. 
Oh, [stamps his foot] school is horrid! Then at home 
there’s always some work the folks want done, as if we 
didn’t get work enough at school. And they think we 
ought to go to bed too early at night, and get up too early 
in the morning and—and—I don’t think life’s much good. 
[Goes back petulantly and sits at the center of the back 
of the stage.] 

Enter the two representing Study 
[They come up toward the center of the front.] 

First Study [to Second] : What a queer child! The idea 
of not wanting to go to school and learn about books! 
Why, books are full of wonderful things. 

Second Study : And the idea of not liking to study! It’s the 
children who study that know things when they ’re grown 
up. I think it’s fine to know things. 

First Study: And it isn’t as if they had to learn things 


* 

78 JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 

all at once. It’s a little each day, day by day, week after 
week, year after year, and then, behold—they’ve got an 
education. 

Second Study: And they know that seven times thirteen 
is ninety-one, and think that adding up fractions is 
really fun. 

First Study: They know that good coffee is raised in 
Brazil, 

And that rivers and waterfalls don’t flow uphill. 

Both : 

Although we have two eyes, 

We really do not see 

Why children hate to study 

The three R’s and Histo-ree, 

And Geography and Grammar, 

Spelling and Physiolo-gee. 

Knowledge is all right in books, 

But ’tis better far instead 
To glean it from the pages 
And put it in one’s head. 

[Both bring the right hand up with a sweeping gesture 
and tap the top of head. One goes over to the right side 
and sits, while the other takes the opposite chair at the 
other side.] 

Enter the two representing Play 
[They run on, hand in hand, and stop at the center.] 
First Play : And one nice thing about study is that there 
is a lot of time for play mixed in with it. 

Second Play : Yes, play at recess-time, at noon-time, and 
after school at night; play at home and play at school. 
Strange that children mind studying with all this play to 
liven the days. 

First Play: 

London Bridge, Old Witch, Tag, and Pull-a-way, 


THE SPRITES COME VISITING 


79 


Hide and seek, Snap-the-whip, what fnn they are to play! 

Second Play: 

Foot ball, basket ball, base ball and volley, too, 

Running, jumping, kicking, all sorts of things they do. 

Both : 

Play to exercise the muscles, 

And make them firm and strong; 

[One runs diagonally up toward the right corner of the 
front, the other toward the left; both stop, place their 
hands at the center of their breasts, then extend them 
out at the sides, at ami’s length, and back to the center 
of the breast, then bring right foot down with a sharp 
stamp.] 

Play to rest the mind from study—- 
How can the days seem long ? 

[They turn and hippety-hop back to their places at the 
center and halt, facing each other; they join hands and 
swing them from side to side as they repeat.] 

Too much study makes Jack dull, 

So the teachers say, 

That is why, at noon and night, 

There’s ample time for play. 

[One runs over to the left, the other to the right; they 
sit by the two Study children.] 

Enter the two representing Work 

First Work [as they halt at the center] : Study is neces¬ 
sary, play is important, but I say that all boys and girls 
should learn to work. 

Second Work : Oh, yes, yes! Study for improvement; play 
for recreation, but it is work that makes one of real use 
in the world. 

First Work : 

Just think how many noted men you know 

Who, when they were boys, used to plow, reap and sow. 


80 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Second Work : 

Well, I think it’s really as good as fun 
To finish some task and have it well done. 

Both : Washing dishes. [They pause while making motions 
of washing dishes.] Sweeping the floor. [They pause 
and make motions as if sweeping.] Or learning to make 
good bread [motions of kneading bread]. Bringing in 
wood, mowing the lawn [then motions of pushing lawn 
mower]. Or weeding the onion bed. [They get down on 
their knees and, with scowling intensity, make motions of 
weeding onions.] Hoeing the corn and ’taters. [They 
rise and make motions as if hoeing, one facing diagonally 
to the left, the other io the right.] Or sewing with stitches 
neat —[motions of sewing]. 

To fit you for the future year 
These daily tasks cannot be beat. 

[They turn and run back a few steps, one diagonally 
toward the right corner of back, the other toward the 
left, so they can face The Child, sitting at back. Each 
shakes a finger warningly as First Work speaks] : 

First Work : 

So do not sigh, and grumble, and shirk 
When you are asked to do some work. 

[They turn and run back to the center; at the same time 
the two sitting at the right and left sides run to the 
center and the six form in line, facing the front, with 
hands joined and raised as they say merrily:] 

The Six : 

Oh, study awhile, and play awhile, 

And do some work each day ; 

’Twill develop mind and muscle, 

As the months pass gaily away. 


THE SPRITES COME VISITING 


81 


[The three on the right keep their hands joined , the three 
on the left the same; the three on left move lightly 
back until they are at the left of The Child, while at 
same time the others move to The Child's right. They 
unclasp their hands and each shakes the extended finger 
of the right hand at The Child as they say:] 

Oh, study awhile, and play awhile, 

And do some work each day; 

This is the way to be happiest, 

As childhood passes away. 

[The Study and Play children return to seats at the 
sides; one Work sits at the left of The Child, the other 
at the right.] 

Enter the two representing Rest 

First Rest [as they halt at the center] : Yes, work and 
study and play—a splendid program for the girls and 
boys; but I represent something you can’t get along 
without; something you like as well as need, and that is 
—rest. 

Second Rest: How nice it is when you are tired to sit 
and rest comfortably; better still, how fine it is to snuggle 
down in bed and sail off to dreamland. Oh, there’s nothing 
like a good rest. 

First Rest : 

You can work and play and study with zest, 

If you get the proper amount of rest. 

Second Rest: 

This daily rule you each should keep: 

Get eight or nine good hours of sleep. 

Both : 

Some children like to sit up late, 

In spite of all our warning; 

[They shake their heads sadly.] 


82 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


And others like to lie in bed 
Till school-time in the morning. 

[They look at each other and shake their heads.] 

When tired eyelids downward droop, 

[They pause while they shut their eyes several times.] 
And heads nod, thus, and so, 

[They pause as their heads nod low and lower .] 

Then ’tis time for girls and boys 
To rest and sleep—oh, ho! 

[They yawn ividely, lift their right arms with elbows 
crooked, their hands below their chins, and lean heads 
on their raised arms and go to sleep; they hold this 
pose, then wake up and rub their eyes sleepily.] 

First Rest : 

The day may bring work and troubles deep; 
Second Rest: 

How nice to forget it all in sleep. 

[They pass back and sit one at the right, one at the left, 
beside the Work Children.] 

Enter the two representing Joy 

[They run in, hand in hand, and pause in front of The 
Child, facing the front, and bow to audience; then one 
runs diagonally up to the right corner of the front, the 
other to the left corner of the front; they go across 
and meet at the center of the front, join hands and, 
moving backwards a few steps, halt and bow again.] 
First Joy : Though the days bring lessons to get and tasks 
to do, they always bring joys; some days one thing, some 
days,another, but there is never a day that doesn’t bring 
some joy. 

Second Joy: Yes; who can think this is a dull old world 
when there is so much joy? You never know when it’s 
going to pop up and make you happy. Why, sometimes 


THE SPRITES COME VISITING 


83 


you even find it when you’re studying a lesson or wash¬ 
ing the dishes for mother. 

First Joy: 

There are countless joys of the summer-time, 

When berries are ripe and the flowers bloom fair ; 
Second Joy : 

There are winter joys when the skating’s good, 

Or the snowflakes tumble down through the air. 

Both : 

No matter what your lot is 
JusJ ev-ry once in awhile, 

Something pleasant happens 
To call forth a sunny smile, 

Like this. 

[They smile broadly.] , 

First Joy: 

At home, at school, or at your play, 

Joy meets you a dozen times a day; 

Second Joy: 

Smiles are all right, but it’s better by half 
When your joy calls forth a hearty laugh ; 

Both : 

For a ha, ha, ha ! and a ho, ho, ho! 

Are good for a girl or boy; 

Be ready to laugh and the days 
Will bring you many a joy. 

[One runs over to right corner of front and sits; the 
other goes to the left.] 

Enter the two representing Trouble 

First Trouble [both halting at the center] : Yes, but there’s 
a lot of trouble in the world. Always something going 
wrong, or something unpleasant happening. [Speaks in 
a melancholy voice and shakes his head sadly.] 


84 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Second Trouble: I’ll say so. Getting hurt, and getting 
kept in at school, and breaking your best dolly, or losing 
a new pocket knife. Oh, there’s lots of trouble. 

First Trouble : 

There are troubles large, 

There are troubles small, 

There are plenty of troubles 
For the children all. 

Second Trouble: 

There are troubles at school, 

There are troubles at home; 

You’re sure to find them 
Where’er you may roam. 

Both : 

These troubles are enough 
To make all of you blue; 

And likely as not 

They’ll make you boo hoo, 

Hoo, hoo, HOO! 

[They rub their eyes and wail this out mournfully.] 

[The two Joys jump up quicldy and run over to the 
Troubles, standing on either side of them. Each points 
a finger at them.] 

First J oy : My sakes, quit this moaning and sighing. No¬ 
body wants to hear such dismal croakings. 

Second Joy : Who invited you to come to this meeting, 
anyway ? 

First Joy : 

Though the troubles sometimes 
Come looming into sight, 

There are always joys a-plenty 
To make the world look bright. 


THE SPRITES COME VISITING 


85 


Second Joy: 

And though you ’re plainly trying 
To make the world look gray, 

There are always joys a-plenty 
To drive the troubles away. 

Both: So you get—OUT! [They start the Troubles hy 
taking them hy the arm and shooing them from the stage, 
then returning to their seats.] 

Child [clapping his hands] : Good! I’m glad to see you 
drive troubles away. 

First Joy: Oh, you can always get rid of trouble, if you’ll 
let the joys help you. 

Enter the two representing Anger 

Second Joy: Oh, my sakes! Here come those horrid dis¬ 
turbers. [The Angers, scowling fiercely, pass to the center 
of the hack just front of The Child, then one goes over 
to the left, the other to the right, past the ones sitting at 
the sides , stopping in front of them and shaking their 
fists at them; then they turn and meet at the center of the 
stage, where they halt.] 

First Play: Well, I don’t like the looks of these new¬ 
comers. 

First Study : Neither do I. They aren’t a bit pleasant. 

First Anger [to Second] : Maybe they won’t want us here. 

Second Anger: Let’s get ’em stirred up in a quarrel so 
we can have a real good time. 

First Anger : 

I like to see the children when they’re playing games, 

Get into a quarrel and call each other names. 

Second Anger : 

Ah, and isn’t a very pretty sight, 

When they get to pulling hair or^have a knock-down 
fight? 


86 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Both [looking from one to another ] : 

Just get you good and angry, 

[Shake fists ] 

And use exertion, too, 

[Stamp feet ] 

And show the other fellow 

[The two face each other and roll their fists threateningly ] 
That he can’t walk over you— 

That’s the way to do! 

[Each hits the other a biff ] 

Child : I think Anger is about as bad as Trouble. 

First Play [jumping up] : So do I. It spoils play when 
children get angry. 

Second Play [jumping up] : Let’s put these fellows out. 
We don’t want Anger here. 

First Play: Yes, let’s. [They start for the two Angers.] 
First Anger: No, you don’t. [Shakes his fist.] 

Second Anger : Of course not ! [Rolls his fists.] 

First Work [jumping up] : Anger spoils work. 

Second Work [ditto]: Let’s put ’em out. 

First Study [ditto] : Anger spoils study. 

Second Study [ditto] : Let’s put ’em out. [The two 
Plays have stopped, frightened by the threatenings of 
the Angers; now they two, the two Studys, and the two 
Works make a rush at the same time; after a short re¬ 
sistance, the two Angers are pushed from the stage.] 
Child [clapping his hands] : I’m glad they’re gone. [The 
six come back and stand at the center of the stage.] 

First Study : Children enjoy life if they study part of the 
time. 

First Play : And play part of the time. 

First Work: And work part of the time. 

First Rest [sitting at ease] : And rest part of the time. 
The Two Joys [jumping up] : And find the joys of each 
day. [They come to the center and stand with the others.] 


COURAGE TO SAY YES 


87 


First Rest [rising ] : And don’t let troubles bother them. 

Second Rest [ditto] : And don’t get angry at work or 
play. [They come to the center; all form in two lines , 
with a wide aisle between; The Child comes up through 
to the front.] 

Child [counting them off on his fingers] : I should study. 
[All the Others, “Yes”]; and work— [Others, 
“Yes”] ; and play— [Others, “Yes”]; and rest —[Oth¬ 
ers, “Yes”] ; and not get angry —[Others, emphatically, 
“No, no!”] ; and — what then? [One Joy runs up and 
takes one of The Child’s hands, the other Joy takes the 
other.] 

First Joy: Then you’ll find joys every day. 

Second Joy : And be glad to live in this wonderful world. 

Child [happily] : I’m glad you came to tell me. I shall 
surely remember. [Moves backward down the aisle until 
at the back of the lines; takes a hand of the one on each 
side; all join hands and form a large circle, dancing gaily 
around the ring, then off stage, The Child going last.] 


COURAGE TO SAY YES 


CHARACTERS 

Miss Mills. the teacher 

Mr. Adams. her admirer 

Harvey, Jake, Dora, Ruby, Cora, Dave. pupils 

STAGE ARRANGEMENTS 


At one side place a desk or table for the teacher; facing it arrange 
the chairs for the pupils. If a curtain is used, let the pupils be in 
their seats and the teacher back of the desk when the scene opens; if 
no curtain is used, the teacher may come on first and take her place, 
then the pupils come on and be seated. 

Miss Mills : For our lesson today we will talk about cour¬ 
age. Of course you all know what courage is. 

Harvey: Sure, it’s—bravery. 





88 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Jake: It’s when you aren’t afraid of things. 

Dave : Girls don’t have much courage. t 

Dora: Well, I guess they do too. 

Dave: They’re even ’fraid of mice. 

Miss Mills [rapping] : Order, please. You know you 
aren’t to talk out like that in school. 

Harvey [raising his hand and waving if] : Aw, teacher, 
Dave ain’t got much courage himself; he’s ’fraid to go in 
Watson’s woods after dark. 

Dave : I am not. 

Miss Mills [rapping loudly] : Let’s have no more of this 
talking. Ruby, you may tell of some instances of cour¬ 
age. 

Ruby [rising] : When a man goes to war and fights for 
his country, he has courage. [$££$.] 

Miss Mills: Very good. Who can tell something else? 
[Several wave their hands.] Cora, you may tell us. 

Cora [rising] : When a man goes in the water to save some¬ 
body who is drowning he shows courage. 

Harvey [rising] : Teacher, I think a man has lots of cour¬ 
age who comes home at two o ’clock in the morning when 
he knows his wife is waiting for him with the rolling pin. 
[The other boys laugh.] 

Miss Mills [coldly] : You don’t need to tell things like 
that. 

Dora [waving her hand and rising] : Teacher, I read a 
nice piece ’bout “Have Courage To Say No.” Does it 
take courage to say no ? 

Miss Mills : Yes, indeed, when one is asked to do something 
wrong, it may take a lot of courage to say no. 

Dave : I said no when Jake wanted me to stay out of school 
an’ go fisliing. 

Jake: Aw, that wasn’t ’cause you’re brave; it was ’cause 
you was ’fraid your pa would lick you for stayin’ out of 
school. 


COURAGE TO SAY YES 


89 


Miss Mills [rapping]: I said you were not to talk that 
way. There are other times when it takes courage to talk 
and that is when you are asked to say yes. If you were 
asked to go after the doctor on a dark, stormy night, it 
would take courage to say yes. 

Cora [shivering] : Oh, I think so. 

Ruby [waving her hand in the air, then rising] : It took 
courage for me to say yes when ma asked me to go weed 
Mrs. Jenkins’ flower bed in the hot sun, when she was 
sick. 

Harvey [leaving his hand, then rising] : Teacher, it took 
courage for me to say yes when Aunt Mary wanted me 
to take a package over to Deacon Hills’, ’cause he’s got 
a fierce dog. [There is a knock at the door; Miss Mills 
goes over and admits Mr. Adams.] 

Enter Mr. Adams 

Mr. Adams [nervously] : I’ll just—just sit down here. I 
came over to visit the children—I mean the school. 

Jake [aside] : Ho, he’s teacher’s feller. 

Miss Mills [trying to be composed ] : Yes, as we were say¬ 
ing it takes a lot of courage to say yes, sometimes, when 
we’re asked to do something. 

Dora [rising, primly] : But it’s right for us to say yes, isn’t 
it? 

Miss Mills : Yes, indeed, it is right for us to have cour¬ 
age. Always remember you should have courage to say 
yes. 

Mr. Adams [aside] : By gum, I wonder if she would. I’ve 
a notion to ask her. 

Miss Mills : When I ask you if you will get your arithme¬ 
tic lesson, you must say yes, even though it is hard. Now, 
you may have fifteen minutes for recess. You may pass 
out and play. [Taps for them to rise; they pass out.] 


90 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mr. Adams [rising and going over to the desk ]: I —I— 
Miss Mills, Julia, I am so glad to hear you say what you 
did. It gives me—great—courage. 

Miss Mills: What? About getting the arithmetic lesson? 

Mr. Adams : No, no, what you said—said about having cour¬ 
age to say—j^es. [She becomes confused and looks down 
at the floor.] Miss Mills, Julia, I do hope you have the 
courage. 

Miss Mills [nervously] : Oh—the courage? 

Mr, Adam : Yes, the courage to say—yes. I want you to— 
marry me. 

Miss Mills : But it was hard things I said to say yes to. 

Mr. Adams : This will be hard. You’ll have to cook for me, 
and sew on buttons—and—and rub my head when it 
aches—and— [takes her hand]. Won’t you, my dear? 
[All the children peek on at the side of the stage.] 

Jake [aside] : I told you he was her feller. 

Harvey: Gee, he’s perposin’ to ’er! 

Ruby: Oh, ain’t that nice! 

Mr. Adams: I’m not much of a catch but—won’t you 
accept me? 

All the Pupils [with enthusiasm] : Teacher, have courage 
to say yes! 

Miss Mills [turning quickly] : You go and play. [They 
dodge out of sight.] 

Mr. Adams [fervently] : What nice pupils! 

Miss Mills [giving him her hand]: I think I must say— 
yes. [The children have all peeked on again at the side.] 

Cora [aside] : I wonder if she said yes. [Mr. Adams puts 
his arm around Miss Mills.] 

Dave: Yep, she’s said “YES.” [The children dodge back 
out of sight; Mr. Adams and Miss Mills walk happily off 
the stage.] 


WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK 


91 


WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK 

FOR SEVENTH AND EIGHTH GRADE PUPILS 
CHARACTERS 


Marie, Alice, Lucile, Noreen . school girls 

Donald, Bert, Willis, Tom . school boys 


COSTUMES 

In the first, second and third scenes, the children wear ordinary 
school clothes. In the last scene they wear regalia consisting of a long 
black robe and a black helmet, made like a pillow slip except that it 
is sewed together a short distance from the top down each side. The 
helmet has a skull and crossbones cut from white paper pasted on the 
front and holes for eyes, nose and mouth corresponding to those in the 
skull. The helmet should be rounded off at the top corners to fit the 
head. 

The robes are made straight and slightly full, with long, flowing 
sleeves, belted at the waist with white cord. They are decorated with 
the Greek letters, Alpha, Delta and Sigma, cut from white paper and 
pasted on in groups. White gloves are worn. 

The girls wear boys’ shoes in the last scene; these can be stuffed 
with paper on the inside at the heels to give added height if necessary 
to increase the disguise. 

The robes should be closed down the front and slipped on over the 
head; they should be high enough in the neck to conceal the girls’ 
dresses, with a short opening at the center of the front to slip the 
head through. The helmets extend a short distance below the neck, 
back and front. 

Use a dim light in the last scene. 

Scene I 

Arrange a table or desk , with several chairs , for a class¬ 
room; at the back have a blackboard, with chalk and 
eraser. 

Enter Alice 

Alice : I wonder if I can find a history here. I forgot mine 
and if I don’t study my lesson I’ll be made to suffer in 
class. [Looks on the table.'] None here. [Looks on the 
chairs.] Ah, fate favors the fair! [Picks up a history.] 




92 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Willis has left his book; now, if I hurry, I can get some 
of this knowledge into my head. What is this? [ Takes 
a card from the hook and holds it up.] I wonder what 
these queer marks mean. [Studies it.] I want to know 
why Willis had this card and what it means. [Goes to 
the blackboard and draws in good-sized letters, copying 
from the card] : 

A A 2 

The first looks like a letter A, but what can the others be ? 

Enter Lucile and Marie 

Lucile: Well, Alice, when did you begin to study Greek? 

Alice: Greek ? I’m not guilty. 

Lucile [pointing] : Then why these Greek letters ? 

Alice : Oh, are they Greek ? How wise you are! 

Lucile: I’m not wise; I happen to have an uncle who 
studied Greek and I recognize these letters. 

Marie : Well, I want to know why Alice put them on the 
board. What do they mean? 

Enter Noreen 

Noreen: Mean? Who is mean? I hope not I. [Bows 
dramatically.] 

Marie : Surely not, my dear. [Points to letters.] What— 
do—these— mean ? That’s the mean we ’re talking about. 

Noreen [studying the letters on the board] : I don’t know 
—they’re Greek to me. 

Lucile [as the girls laugh] : Of course they’re Greek, but 
what do they mean? 

Alice : I found this card in Willis’s history, and since he’s 
always up to something, my curiosity is aroused. [They 
pass the card around and look at it.] 

Noreen: Ha! H—m! Well! So this is it. I knew those 
boys were up to something, but they’ve been so sly I 
couldn’t find out what it was. 


WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK 


93 


Marie: Well, Sherlock Holmes, tell us what these rabbit 
tracks mean. 

Noreen : The boys have had some secret meetings and I ’ve 
heard a few remarks on the sly—since my brother is one 
of them, and I’ll bet they have formed a society with 
Greek letters to represent their name. 

LuCile : A Greek-letter society; the idea! 

Alice: They have them in most of .the universities and 
colleges. I suppose Tom got the idea from his brother, 
who’s at the university. 

Marie : A secret society and not let us belong—aren’t they 
mean? 

Enter Willis 

Willis: What kind of a meeting is this? the let¬ 

ters .] Look here, what are you girls up to ? Who copied 
our—[ stops in confusion ]. 

Noreen: Copied the letters that stand for your Greek 
society ? 

Willis [rubbing out the letters] : Who told you we have 
a society, Smarty ? 

Alice : Oh, Willis, won’t you let us belong too ? 

Marie: Please, please, Willis. I’m crazy to belong. 

Willis [loftily] : Indeed, NO! Girls are not admitted. 
Moreover, I ’ll tell you that you needn’t be snooping, try¬ 
ing to find out things. 

Lucile [tossing her head] : Who cares a snap about your 
old ABC society ? 

Willis [scoffingly] : A B C—nothing! It’s A D S—Alpha, 
Delta, Sigma; but that is all you’ll ever know. Now if 
I may have my history, I ’ll leave you in peace. [Alice 
gives him the book, keeping the card. He goes out.] 

Noreen [as he goes] : Don’t flatter yourself we shall bother 
about your old dead-letter society. 

Lucile [calling]: I never did care about Greeks. 


94 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Noreen [ thoughtfully ]: Alpha—Delta—Sigma. 

Alice : A—D—S. Girls, what do yon suppose it means ? 
Marie: Annoying Disagreeable Savages. 

Lucile : Absurd Deceitful Shams. 

Alice: Awkward Dull Simps. 

Noreen : Awful Dandy Sapheads. 

Marie : Ancient Dippy Sinners. 

Noreen : Girls, I want to join that society. 

The Others : So do we. 

Noreen : Should we be kept out because we are girls ? 

The Others : No! 

Noreen : Aren’t we as smart as the boys ? 

The Others [with enthusiasm ] : We ARE ! 

Noreen [in cautious whisper] : Shall we outwit them and 
get into the Alpha Delta Sigma? 

Lucile [doubtfully]: Can we do it? 

Noreen : Shall we try ? 

The Others: Yes! 

Noreen [with dramatic gestures ] : Let’s pretend we are 
Greeks, for you know “When Greek meets Greek”— 
something is going to happen. Let’s get in by craft, since 
we are girls. 

Lucile : That suits me all right. 

Alice : Horrors! My lesson ! [Rushes off.] 

Marie : If we only manage somehow to— 

Noreen: My dear, what ought to be done CAN be done 
and we ought to outwit those boys, they think they’re so 
smart. [They pass off.] 

CURTAIN 

Scene II 

Room the same as in Scene I. On the hoard is written: 

18 X 14 = 252 
151 + 97 = 248 


WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK 


95 


Enter Marie and Noreen 

Noreen : Are the other girls coming ? 

Marie: Yes, right away. Do you know, Noreen, I’m just 
discouraged about the Alpha Delta Sigma society. We ’ll 
never get in. 

Noreen : Speak for yourself, Miss Faint-heart. I haven’t' 
given up hope. 

Enter Alice and Lucile 

Lucile : Noreen, I do hope you have some good news for 
us. The days have been passing and we haven’t made any 
headway. 

Noreen : Sure I have good news. 

Alice: At last! Do tell us. [The girls look around cau¬ 
tiously. ] I think we are safe here; no one uses the room 
this hour. [Noreen goes to the hoard and writes under 
the arithmetic equations :] 

Patience plus perseverance = success. 

Noreen: I am writing something I have proved true. 
[Reads it aloud as she finishes writing.] At last I have 
something to report. 

Lucile : Good! Please tell us quickly. 

Noreen: Well, I’m making a fight to get into the Alpha 
Delta Sigma society and, since the poet—or somebody, 
tells us that all is fair in war, I have been doing a number 
of underhanded things, such as spying on my brother, 
snooping through his pockets, and so on. [Laughs.] 

Marie : This is thrilling; do go on. 

Noreen : Finally I found, slipped into a torn place in my 
brother’s coat, a paper on which was written: 

‘ ‘ Six boards from the northwest—six paces from the chim¬ 
ney.” 

Alice: Sounds exciting. 

Noreen: I had noticed that Bert had been going up in 
the garret when he thought no one knew it, so I decided 


96 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


that the six boards and paces were in the garret. I have 
spent days—no, I mean hours, trying to study it out. 

Lucile [dramatically] : Oh, don’t tell us you failed! 

Noreen : Failed ? Not I! After trying it dozens of times, 
I finally found, six boards from the northwest and six 
paces from the chimney, a board that— 

Alice : Oh, would it lift up ? 

Noreen : Yes, it would; and below it was a neat space and 
there I found—his—suit. 

Marie : Is it really swell ? 

Noreen : Do you call this swell ? [She turns and draws on 
the blackboard:] 



Alice [us the girls exclaim in horror]: How awful! 

Noreen : There is a robe, a sort of a Greek affair, and a 
head-piece with this [points to the drawing] on the front. 
We must each make us a suit for— 

Marie : Sh-h-h-h ! [She goes over and listens.] Some one 
is coming. [Noreen quickly erases the drawing; the 
girls sit and start to study.] 

Enter Bert 

Bert: Oh, excuse me. I didn’t think there ’d be any one 
here. 

Marie : We don’t need the room if you want it. 

Lucile: Say, Bert, why can’t you boys take us into your 
Alpha—what-ever-it-is ? We’d make fine members. 

Bert [loftily] : Can’t be did. Don’t you know the ancient 
Greeks didn’t allow women at their games and festivities ? 
Our society is very secret. 

Alice [teasingly] : Well, we’re going to spy on you and 
get the password so we can join. 


WHEN GREEK METJTS GREEK 97 

Bert : Spy away; you aren’t smart enough to find out any¬ 
thing. 

Alice [sighing] : I suppose not. 

Bert [with assurance] : I’ll say not. Any time you get on 
to our secrets, we’ll let you join; but don’t get your hopes 
up, for girls are—not—allowed. 

Noreen [meekly] : I guess we won’t get in, girls. I’ve 
tried to spy on Bert, but I ’ll admit he’s clever at keeping 
things to himself. 

Bert [hoastingly] : You’ll find we all are, but when you 
do outwit us we ’ll take you in, full membership. 

Lucile: We’ll remember. Well, girls, let’s go. [They go 
off; Bert sits.] 

Enter Donald, Willis and Tom 

Bert: Come on in. We’ll have to hurry; it’s ’most time 
for our class. Make sure those girls have gone. [The 
hoys look about carefully.] 

Donald : They ’re gone. 

Willis : The coast is clear. 

Bert: I’ve found out that Noreen is going to my Uncle’s 
tomorrow afternoon, so we’ll have a meeting at our house. 
Be there at two-thirty and we’ll go over part of our work. 

Tom : Shall we have any of the other fellows ? 

Bert : No, just us four. 

Tom : That will be best, until we get things started. 

Donald : Say, Bert, be mighty careful to keep things from 
Noreen. Those girls are pretty anxious to know what 
we’re up to. 

Bert : Yes, I ’ve noticed Noreen with her ear cocked sev¬ 
eral times, but it doesn’t do her any good. My sakes, 
you don’t think they can outwit us, do you? 

Willis: Of course not. 

Donald [hesitatingly] : Maybe not, but I m—afraid of 
Noreen. 


98 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Tom : I’m not. Have faith, brothers, in the good Alpha 
Delta Sigma. 

Bert: I’ll say so. Well, tomorrow at two-thirty, at my 
house. 

Donald : We ’ll be there. 

CURTAIN 

Scene III 

Living-room in Bert’s home, with table, chairs and a couch 
with a cover bach of which Lucile can hide. 

Enter Noreen and Lucile 

Lucile : I hate to do this, Noreen. 

Noreen: Humph, they can’t send you to jail, even if they 
find you out. Bert knows I’m going away and they won’t 
think of any one else hiding here. 

Lucile: This is what I get for being the smallest in the 
bunch. I knew I should have grown more. Well, if I 
must do this, I’ll try to do my best. Where’s the paper 
and pencil? 

Noreen [ handing them over ] : Here; now be sure to write 
down the things they say, so you ’ll not forget. You’d bet¬ 
ter hide now, for I must be going. 

Lucile : May the saints preserve me! [ They pull out the 

couch and Lucile lies on the floor bach of it; Noreen puts 
the couch bach and adjusts the cover.] 

Noreen : Now you’ll be all right. No one knows you came 
here and the boys won’t suspect. Be of good cheer; good 
luck and good-by. [ Goes off.] 

[There should be a slight pause before the boys enter.] 
Enter Bert and Tom 

Bert: Have a seat, Tom. The others will be here soon. 
[They sit.] 


WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK 


99 


Tom : I think this society is going to be a hummer. We’ve 
done some good planning. 

Bert : Here are the others. [Calls'] Come on in, boys. 

Enter Donald and Willis 

Donald: Hope we’re not late. [They sit.] Is the coast 
clear ? 

Bert : Certainly is. I watched Noreen off so I know she’s 
gone. Mother has gone to a meeting, so we’re the only 
ones in the house. I’ll lock the doors so no one can get 
in. [He goes off at one side, returns and goes off at the 
other side and returns.] Now we’re safe. [$f£s.] 

Donald: Let’s get busy. I can’t stay long. 

Bert : Let’s go over things to be sure we know them. What 
is the name of our society ? 

All : Alpha Delta Sigma. 

Bert: What do these letters stand for? 

All: Athletic Dutiful Spartans. 

Bert : What is our password ? 

Tom : I never can remember that, it’s so hard. 

Donald : Atheduspar; that’s not hard. 

Tom : Ath-e—what ? 

Bert : Ath-e-du-spar, with accent on the du. Ath-e is from 
athletic; du from dutiful, and spar from Spartans. 

Tom : Ath-e-du-spar; ath-e-du-spar. I ’ll try to remember. 
It sounds real high-falutin’, I think. 

Bert : And our robes and the helmets, with the skull and 
crossbones, are dandy. I’m proud of them. 

Donald : Wouldn’t the girls faint at sight of them? They 
wouldn’t want to join if they knew what they had to 
wear. [The hoys laugh.] 

Bert : Now remember that to get in, you must bow to the 
keeper of the door, clap your hands three times, raise the 
hands above the head and bow again, then give the pass¬ 
word. 


100 


JOLLY JUNIOB DIALOGUES 


Willis: Gee, I’ll get mixed up on that. It takes some 
brains to remember that bowing and clapping. 

Donald : Of course, but we’ve got brains. 

Bert : Now watch. [He goes through the motions as he 
talks.] Come up, bow, clap your hands three times, raise 
the hands above the head and bow again, keeping the 
fingers together and bringing the hands forward as you 

■ bow. 

Willis: I think I can remember. [Beats his head as if 
pounding it in.] 

Bert : Donald, you may tell about the society. 

Donald : We call ourselves Spartans, because the Spartans 
were brave and athletic, fond of games and of learning. 
We are going to be strong through our athletics. Our 
skull and crossbones means death to ignorance and ill 
health. 

Willis : This society will do us a lot of good. 

Tom: Sure. I’m interested in athletics. [ Goes through 
some gymnastic movements.] 

Bert : Now next Tuesday at four o’clock we’ll have a meet¬ 
ing and take in some of the other boys. We must get 
ready for initiation. 

Donald : Can’t we plan that later ? I’ve got to go now. 

Willis [rising] : So have I; have to help in the store. 

Bert: Well, we’ll all go. Long live the— 

All [loudly] : Alpha Delta Sigma. [They go out noisily.] 
[Lucile pushes the couch forward and crawls out from 
behind it. She limps about the room, making faces as 
she rubs her arms, knees and back.] 

Lucile: My sakes, I’m cramped so I can hardly walk. 
That was a dreadful experience and I feel like a traitor. 
Well, I’ve found out a number of things about the Alpha 
Delta Sigmas. Let me see— [she walks forward, bows, 
claps her hands three times, raises them above her head and 
bows, then advances and says, “Ath-e-du-spar.”] Yes, I 


WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK 


101 


think I have it all right. Now to get away without being 
discovered. [She goes off at the opposite side from the 
hoys.] 

CURTAIN 

Scene IV 

The stage is arranged for the initiation by hanging a dark curtain 
across from one side almost to the other, leaving a doorway at one 
side; allow room for the opening ceremonies in front of the curtain; 
behind it, at the center of the back, have an imposing seat of boxes 
covered with dark cloth on which Bert sits. On the background have 
a skull and crossbones cut from light paper, pinned against black, and 
above it the Greek letters cut from light paper. Use a dim light in 
this scene. 

A A 2 

Enter Tom [wearing his regalia, from the hack through the 
doorway ]. 

Tom : Well, I guess things are all ready for the grand per¬ 
formance. [A knock is heard at the farther side from 
doorway; he calls] Enter, brother. 

Enter Noreen and Alice [in regalia like the hoys’] 

Tom [at a point between the center and the doorway] : One 
of you stand over there, the other advance. [Alice halts 
at one side; Noreen advances, hows, claps, etc., then gives 
the password.] Correct. You may stand here. [Places 
her hack of him.] Next, advance. [Alice comes forward 
and goes through ceremony. Tom steps to the doorway.] 
Worthy Exalted Guide, two pilgrims wait entrance to our 
noble shrine. 

Enter Donald [from the doorway at the side]. 

Donald : Worthy candidates, follow me to our exalted 
shrine. [He leads the way through the door, the girls fol¬ 
lowing him in single file; then Tom pushes the curtain 
over almost to the other side, revealing the space at the 


102 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


back of the stage. Willis comes on and stands in front of 
the narrow length of curtain, peeping at what is going 
on; when he gets interested, Lucile and Marie slip on and 
stand back of him.] 

Bert [rising as the curtain is pushed back] : Worthy Guide, 
conduct the candidates to this station. [Donald leads with 
solemn tread across to farther side, down the side, across 
again, halting in front of Bert, the three facing him.] 

Donald : Most noble and exalted Ruler, these pilgrims seek 
to become Alpha Delta Sigmas. 

Bert : Worthy candidates, it gives me pleasure to welcome 
you to our shrine. You do well to seek the benefits of this 
society which is formed for the purpose of— [loud knock¬ 
ing is heard off the stage ]. 

Willis [turning suddenly and finding the girls back of 
him] : Say, what are you doing in here? I told you to 
stay in the other room. 

Bert [crossly to Willis] : Well, why aren’t you tending 
to your duties ? 

Willis [to the two girls] : You fellows come on back here. 
[Marie and Lucile elude him as he tries to push them off 
the stage; they nm forward and stand by Noreen and 
Alice.] 

Bert: See here, you’ve got to do as we say or you don’t 
get to join this society. [Willis goes forward to take the 
candidates back; the girls join hands and stand close to¬ 
gether , Noreen giggles.] 

Donald [amazed]: That giggle! I’d know it in China. 

Say, Noreen— 

Bert [angrily] : What does this mean? [The girls let go 
hands, bow, clap, raise hands and bow, then exclaim 
“ Ath-e-du-spar! ”] 

Donald : I knew Noreen would outwit us. 

Noreen : Most worthy exalted Alpha Delta Sigmas, do not 
throw us out. 


WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK 103 

Marie : You promised to take us in when we learned your 
secrets. 

Alice: Yes, into full membership. 

Bert [angrily] : Let’s—burn them at the stake—or—be¬ 
head them. 

Willis : No, that can’t be done. Let’s take them in. I sort 
of like a society that has girls in it. 

Lucile: If you knew with what Spartan valor we have 
worked trying to get in, you’d be proud to keep us as 
members. [Girls remove helmets.] 

Marie : And we are fond of athletics, too. 

Bert: Well, I’d at least like to see ’em flogged or ducked 
in the pond, but if you fellows— 

Donald : I say let’s keep them in the society. 

Alice : The Greeks were fond of feasting and you ’ll need 
us to help with that. 

Tom: That’s right. I’m hungry right now. 

Willis : Say, we never thought about refreshments. 

Donald : We ought to have some, of course. 

Noreen : We knew you’d need them. Willis, won’t you and 
Tom bring in the baskets that are concealed in the other 
room? 

Willis: Sure. That’s a job I like. [He and Tom hurry 

off.] 

Bert : I suppose we may as well take off these helmets. 

Donald: I’m willing; they ’re not very comfortable. [They 
take them off.] 

Enter Willis and Tom, each with a basket 

Alice: Since the way to a Greek’s heart is through his 
stomach, allow us to try to find your hearts. 

Noreen [as the girls take sandwiches , fruit and cake from 
the baskets] : In keeping with the death symbol of this 
society, I say: “Here’s death to the pangs of hunger.” 

Bert : Nothing else would soften my anger, but the sight 


104 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


of these good things makes me feel like welcoming the 
girls. [They all sit and begin to eat.] 

Tom : But why haven’t the fellows we were going to initiate 
showed up ? It’s way past time. 

Bert: That’s what I want to know. 

Noreen [acting confused] : You tell them, Alice. 

Alice: Please forgive us; but Noreen can write just like 
Bert, so she wrote a note to each of those boys saying the 
initiation wasn’t until tomorrow night. 

Bert [darkly] : Guilty of forgery as well as trickery. 

Donald : Noreen, nothing but this lunch saves your life. 

Noreen [rising] : Thank you, dear Spartans. I propose a 
toast to— [they all rise, each holding up a sandwich, fruit 
or piece of cake]. 

All [heartily] : To the Alpha Delta Sigmas. [They stand 
eating as ther curtain falls.] 


MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR 


Mrs. Riggs 

Jake. 

Jennie | 
Frank (' ’ 


CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Crane 

. the oldest son 

. small children 

Messenger Boy 


Scene: The Riggs' kitchen 

At the center of the room place a table with a dishpan of dirty dishes 
and other things piled in it; back of the table should be a box for a 
stove with teakettle' and an iron on it; in one corner stands a broom; 
the apron for Jennie should have a piece of cloth with the dark im¬ 
press of a flatiron scorched on it basted right on the front of the 
apron, as if Jake had scorched it. A small stand at one side should 
hold some jars and a few cooking utensils. In the dishpan should be 
two old, cracked dishes that Jake can break. 




MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR 


105 


Mrs. Riggs stands looking about the room; Jake sits at one 
end of the table eating a dish of oatmeal. 

Mrs. Riggs : Dear me, there’s a dreadful lot of work to do 
today. A woman just has to work all the time to keep 
things up right. I no sooner get one thing done than I 
have to start something else. 

Jake : Well, ma, you know it says in the book that woman’s 
work is never done. 

Mrs. Riggs: Yes, and that’s true all right. I don’t know 
what to start first this morning. [A knock is heard.] 
My sakes, who’s that, so early in the morning? [She goes 
over and admits Messenger Boy.] 

Boy: I’ve brought you a telegram, ma’am. You don’t have 
to pay anything on it—paid at the other end, you see. 

Mrs. Riggs : Oh, goodness sakes, land-a-mercy, me ! A tele¬ 
gram ! I’ve never had one of those things yet that it didn’t 
bring me bad news. Oh, dear, dear! 

Boy [holding it out] : You better take it an’ read it, ma’am. 
It might be real important. 

Mrs. Riggs : Oh, I can’t read it—I don’t want to! What do 
you s’pose it says? 

Jake : I ’ll read it for you and find out, ma. 

Mrs. Riggs: No, I’ll read it—pretty soon. [Tries to brace 
up.] 

Boy : Well, you’ll have to take it right off, ma’am. I’ve got 
to get back. There may be another one for somebody else 
that I’ll have to deliver. [He holds out telegram to her 
and she takes it gingerly.] Well, I’ll have to hurry. [Goes 

off.] 

Mrs. Riggs: I wonder if it’s from my mother. 

Jake [eating] : Read it an’ see. 

Mrs. Riggs: It may be from Aunt Sarah—she’s poorly. 

Jake : Read it an’ see. 

Mrs. Riggs: Oh, maybe it’s from your pa, sayin’ he’s got 
hurt. [Acts as if she were going to faint.] 


106 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Jake: Well, read it an’ see. 

Mrs. Riggs [opening the message and reading it] : It’s from 
my mother. She’s sick and wants me to come right over 
on the first train. Dear me! 

Jake [ rising ] : Well, you’ll have to hurry; first train goes 
in ’bout half an hour. 

Mrs. Riggs: I can make it—if I rush. You pack up my 
things for me, Jake, while I get ready. [Hurries from the 
room. ] 

Jake [looking about] : I’ll bet I’ll have to stay home from 
school an ’ do up all this work. Gee! 

Enters Mrs. Riggs [with suitcase and some clothes] 

Mrs. Riggs : Here, Jake, you pack these up for me. [Hurries 

off.] 

Jake : I can do that all right. [He opens the suitcase, rolls 
one thing after another up in a wad and puts them in.] 
There, that’s done. [Calls.] Ma, where’s your face powder ? 
You can’t go without that. [He runs off and comes 
back with a box of powder, a comb and several like 
articles that he tosses into the suitcase, then fasiens it.] 
Enter Mrs. Riggs [wearing a dark dress, coat and hat] 

Mrs. Riggs: I certainly have got ready in a hurry. You’ll 
have to do the work, Jake. Give the children some break¬ 
fast—you ’ll have to iron the apron that’s on the chair for 
Jennie to wear to school. Sweep the floor, and wash the 
dishes. I guess you can get the meals till I come home. 
Dear me, I do hope ma will be better when I get there. 

J ake : You ’ll have to go, ma, or you ’ll miss the train. 

Mrs. Riggs: Yes, yes. Now iron that apron, an’ wash the 
dishes, an’ sweep, an’ look after the children, an’— 

Jake: Oh, I can do that all right. You must go or— 

Mrs. Riggs: Yes, yes, I’m going! See that the children 
get something to eat an’— [She rushes off with suitcase.] 

Jake [looking about] : Looks as if there’s a lot to do, but 


MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR 


107 


I’ll make short work of it. Women spend too much time 
puttering ’round. I’ll show ’em how to manage. 

Enter Frank and Jennie 

Frank : Where ’s ma ? 

Jennie: Yes, where’s ma? 

Frank : I want some breakfast. 

Jennie: So do I—I’m starved. 

Frank : Where’s ma ? 

J ennie : Yes, where’s ma ? 

Jake: Ma’s gone off—to see grandma, ’cause she’s sick. 
I ’m goin ’ to keep house an ’ look after you. 

Frank: Aw, shucks! We’ll starve to death. 

Jennie : I want some breakfast. 

Jake: All right. [He takes up tivo dishes of oatmeal from 
the stove and places them on the end of the table.] Here 
you are—delicious oatmeal, fit for a king. 

Frank: I don’t like oatmeal. 

Jennie: Neither do I. [They sit and after putting milk 
and sugar on the oatmeal, begin to eat. Jake fixes up the 
board and begins to iron the apron for Jennie.] 

Jake: Now you’ll see, Miss Jennie, how spick-an’-span 
I’m going to make your apron look. [Irons awkwardly.] 

Frank : I don’t see what ma had to go off for. 

Jennie: Neither do I. 

Jake [ironing] : ’Cause gran’ma got sick. 

Frank : I don’t see what gran ’ma had to get sick for. 

Jennie: Neither do I. 

Frank : I want a cooky. 

Jennie: So do I. 

Jake: I’ll see if I can find you some. [He leaves the iron 
on the front of the apron while he hunts at the side of the 
room for cookies.] Yes, here they are. [Gives them each a 
cooky; goes back to ironing.] Oh, my sakes! Oh, my land 
sakes! [Gazes at a scorched place in horror.] 


108 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Jennie: What’s the matter? 

Jake: W’y—the iron burned your apron— a little bit. I 
guess you can wear it; let’s see. [Jennie stands up and 
puts on the apron.] 

Jennie: Oh. you horrid, mean old thing! I can’t wear a 
flatiron like that to school, right on my apron. [ Begins 
to cry.] 

Jake: Say, I’ll tell you—we’ll pin a —one these pretty 
things over it. [He picks up a doily from the table and 
holds it over the scorch,] See what nice trimming this 
makes. 

Jennie: I—w—w—won’t wear a table mat an’ be laughed 
at. 

Frank: You ought to be ’shamed to spoil her apron like 
that. 

Jake: I didn’t do it. 

Frank : Aw, you did, too. 

Jake: No, I didn’t. 

Jennie : Who did then, I’d like to know ? 

Jake : It was the flatiron. How’d I know it was goin’ to act 
like that? 

Jennie: I’ll wear my best apron. Come on, Frank, we’ve 
got to go or we’ll be late for school. [They hurry off.] 

Jake [looking about ] : I s’pose I better wash up these 
dishes next; looks like there’s an awful lot of ’em. I 
can’t see what wimmin use so many dishes for. [He 
whistles as he sets some of the things off the table, putting 
them over at side of room, then gets a dislipan and piles 
dishes into it. Pretends to pour water from the kettle and 
begins to wash dishes, talking as he does so.] Now s’posin’ 
there’s forty dishes to wash at one meal, an’ three meals 
a day, that’s—one hundred an’ twenty, an’ seven days a 
week, that’s—seven hundred an’—no, eight hundred an’ 
something, an’ fifty-two weeks in a year, that’s—’bout— 


MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR 


109 


’bout—my sakes, it’s ’most fifty thousand. Think of 
washin ’ ’bout fifty thousand dishes a year. I’m glad I’m 
not a woman. Say, I wish Dollie Haskins could see me. 
I ’ll bet she’d think I’m some good worker. She’s a pretty 
nice girl, Dollie is. [Dreamily sets down a dish on the 
edge of the table so it drops to the floor and breaks.] Oh, 
gee! What ’ll ma say ? 

Enter Frank and Jennie [slicked up ready for school] 

J ennie : I’m wearing my best apron to school. I hope I 
don’t get it teared. 

Frank: I’m wearin’ my best necktie. [Strikes a pose,] 
Jake : Say, you young imp, you go an’ take off my necktie. 

You ain’t goin’ to wear my good tie to school. 

Frank: Too late now. I’ll be late for school. [Runs from 
the room as Jake makes a dash for him. Calls from off:] 
Come on, Jennie. 

Jennie: Now you have something good for us to eat for 
dinner or I won’t go to school this afternoon. [Runs off.] 
Jake [drying dishes very fast] : Now what’ll I have for 
dinner? Cook some potatoes—an’—fry £ome meat—an’ 
— [drops a dish and breaks it]. Say, look at that! I 
wasn’t doin’ a thing an’ that dish just jumped right out 
my hands onto the floor. [/S^/is.] The downfall of China ! 
Guess I better sweep the floor. [Gets the broom, singing 
a doleful song, sweeps the broken dish and other things 
that are on the floor over to one side and sets a chair 
over the pile.] There, the floor’s swept. [Sits down in 
tired manner. ] I don’t guess I like to do housework very 
well. I’m goin’ to get me a wife to do the housekeepin’ 
when I’m a man. I wonder if—if—Dollie likes to wash 
dishes an’ sweep an’ bake. [$w7&s.] S’pose I’d better 
make that cake. [Gets up and goes over, hunting until 
he finds a cook book.] Here’s how to make a cake. [Reads 
aloud:] Beat to a cream one-half cup of butter—say, 
that’s funny! You can beat cream to butter, but how can 


110 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


yon beat butter into cream? I’ll bet this book is crazy. 
[A knock is heard,.] Come in. 

Enter Mrs, Crane 

Mrs. Crane [looking around] : Well, what does this 
mean? Are yon the hired girl? Where’s your mother? 
My land, how this room looks! 

Jake: What’s the matter with this room? I’ve washed the 
dishes an’ swept. 

Mrs. Crane [laughing] : Yes, ’bout the way men usually 
do, Where’s your ma ? 

Jake: She got a telegram that gran’ma’s sick, so she went 
off in a hurry. I’m to do the work, but—[$/< 7 /is.] I’ve 
got more’n I bargained for. 

Mrs. Crane: Yes, you have. A man always does get 
more ’n he bargains for when he tries to do woman’s work. 
You go to school. I’ve got time to do things up an’ get 
some dinner for you. [She motions him off; he goes will¬ 
ingly and she begins to work, as curtain falls.] 


BROTHER BENNIE’S REVOLT 


CHARACTERS 


Emmeline Green \ 
Cornelia Green j 
Benjamin Green.. 

Josie. 

Mrs. Judd. 

Mr. Waggs. 


. old maids 

. their brother 

the good looking maid 

. a young widow 

.. .an elderly widower 


Scene I : The living-room of the Greens 
Discovered: Miss Emmeline and Miss Cornelia 


Miss Emmeline [sadly] : My, my, I do feel so sorry 
about brother Bennie. 







BROTHER BENNIE’S REVOLT 


111 


Cornelia [ sighing ] : Yes, it just makes my heart ache. 

Emmeline: Of course he’s young', but that is no excuse 
for his carrying on so. 

Cornelia : No, indeed! Just think of his going to a movie 
show once last week and then again this week. 

Emmeline: I can’t understand what has got into the boy. 

Cornelia : Emmeline, do you—do—you—suppose it’s that 
—Millie Judd ? She might be—setting her cap for him. 

Emmeline [horrified] : What? Our brother Bennie? Oh— 
Cornelia! 

Cornelia : But widows are—sometimes real—designing and 
Bennie is an attractive boy, though I suppose we shouldn’t 
say it. 

Emmeline : No, we shouldn’t say it, being his sisters, but— 
he is—in fact, quite—attractive. I’ve noticed it especially 
since he got that new necktie. 

Cornelia [sighing] : Yes. Do you suppose he—saw her— 
Millie Judd, home from the show last night ? 

Emmeline [shocked] : Oh, I hope not! Poor Bennie. 

Cornelia : Let’s go down town and buy some good maga¬ 
zines and a new book or two; perhaps that will help to 
keep him home nights. You ought to practice up some 
of the old songs on the organ so we can have him help us 
sing; you know Bennie used to like to sing in the evening. 

Emmeline: That’s a good idea, Cornelia. Bennie is young 
and we must do the best we can to help him. [They go off.] 

Enter Josie [with dusting cloth] 

Josie [dusting and putting the room to rights] : I don’t 
see any use in dusting this room when there isn’t any dust 
on things, but those particular old maids will have a fit 
if I don’t do it. [Picks up a magazine with a girl pictured 
on the cover.] Say, this is a kind of nice-looking young 
lady but [studies it] I don’t know now, if I do say it as 
shouldn’t, that she’s much better looking than I am. 


112 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


I s’pose this girl would have a lot of admirers and 
here I am, with good looks to spare, an’ not—a—single— 
beau. I call that downright hard luck, so I do. [Works 
half-heartedly.] I guess I’ll have to go to the city to work 
where I can get me a beau. [A knock is heard.] Oh, I 
hope that’s an agent or a peddler. [Goes over and admits 
Mrs. Judd.] 

Enter Mrs. Judd 

Mrs. Judd [airily] : How do you do, Josie ? Where are Miss 
Emmeline and Miss Cornelia? Surely they haven’t gone 
away so early in the day. 

Josie : Yes ma’am, they just went down town. They went 
in quite a hurry and it seemed like they acted sort of 
worried ’bout something. 

Mrs. Judd [smiling] : Or, perhaps they had to pick out a 
new handkerchief for their brother Bennie. 

Josie [soberly] : Well, maybe so. They do spend an awful 
lot of time fussing an’ worrying over him. Seems to me 
it’s sort of foolish the way they baby him. 

Mrs. Judd: Foolish? Why it’s simply and undeniably 
dreadful. The poor man doesn’t dare say his soul is his 
own. They act as if he wasn’t more than fifteen. I don’t 
see why he stands it. He ought to—to revolt. 

Josie: Revolt, ma’am? What does that mean? 

Mrs. Judd [with spirit] : He ought to do as he pleases and 
give them to understand they can’t run him. He ought 
to act like a free man and manage his own affairs. He— 
ought—well, he ought to—get married. 

Josie [ amazed ] : Get married? Mr. Bennie? W’y, they’d 
have a—a—fit, Miss Emmeline and Miss Cornelia would. 

Mrs. Judd : Of course they would, but he should get mar¬ 
ried— just the same. He ’ll soon be an old bachelor and he 
ought to have his own home and be supporting a wife— 
some one who’d make him happy, you know. [Smiles self- 


BROTHER BENNIE’S REVOLT 


113 


consciously .] Ben is a good catch; he has money and he 
isn’t a bit bad looking. A woman could do a lot worse. 
I’ll tell you. 

Josie [musingly] : I—believe you’re right. 

Mrs. Judd : Of course I am. All Ben needs is some one to 
wake him up and get him to have a mind of his own. 
Well, I must run along. I’ll come over again. I want to 
borrow Miss Cornelia’s embroidery pattern. [Exit.] 

Josie [looking after her] : Yes, you do. You just came over 
here to see if maybe brother Bennie was here. I know 
you, Millie Judd; you’ve got your cap set for him. Talk¬ 
ing ’bout his getting married, f Stops and thinks.] Say, 
what’s the matter with me catching him? I’m better 
looking than she is and I’ma good housekeeper, too. What 
she says is true—Mr. Ben ought to get married. Yes, he 
ought to, and I’m going to see if I can’t get ahead of 
Millie Judd. [Goes about briskly, humming and putting 
finishing touches on the room, then goes off.] 

CURTAIN 


Scene II: Room as above 
Discovered: Benjamin, reading. 

Enter Mrs. Judd 

Mrs. Judd [surprised] : Oh, aren’t your sisters here? I 
expected to find them. I hope you’ll pardon me. 

Ben [rising] : Come in and have a chair. Emmeline and 
Cornelia will be here soon. They just stepped over to 
see Mrs. Weston for a few minutes. 

Mrs. Judd: Then I think I’ll wait. [She and Ben sii] 
It’s too bad for me to disturb your reading. 

Ben : Oh, no, no, not at all, really. 

Mrs. Judd : Men love to sit by the fire and read, don’t they ? 
It’s so nice, I think, for them to sit in their own homes 


114 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


and read. I suppose you ’ll be having a home of your own 
some day. [Beams upon him.] 

Ben : Why, this is my home, you know. 

Mrs. Judd: Oh, yes, but I mean a home by yourself with 
a—well, you know, a nice—wife in it. 

Ben : Oh, a—wife ! Why, really— 

Mrs. Judd [sweetly] : Think how pleasant it would be for 
you to be in a home with a devoted wife to look after you 
and make you happy. 

Ben : Oh, but—but—my sisters—you know— 

Mrs. Judd : Yes, of course they think they need you; but 
you ought to strike out for yourself and get married. A 
nice, companionable woman, who would love to make you 
comfortable. [Smiles and shakes her finger at him.] 
You really ought. 

Ben: I—really—to tell you the truth—I think you are 
right. 

Mrs. Judd: Oh, Mr. Green, Benjamin, that’s fine. People 
are much happier married, you know. [/S^/is.] Don’t 
let your sisters influence you. You should have settled 
down before this. 

Ben [nervously] : I’m—yes, I’m glad you think so. I be¬ 
lieve I hear my sisters coming. I’ll call them. [ Goes off.] 

Mrs. Judd: Oh, I’m making a splendid start. It isn’t go¬ 
ing to be hard to get him. He seems ever so much pleased 
with the idea of having a wife. I wouldn’t wonder if our 
wedding came off in about six weeks. 

Enter Misses Emmeline and Cornelia and Benjamin 

Emmeline: Good evening, Millie. I’m sorry we were not 
here when you came. 

Cornelia : It really is a shame to keep you waiting. 

Mrs. Judd: No, indeed. I didn’t mind the wait. Your 
brother and I were having a pleasant chat. 

Ben: Yes—yes, indeed. 


BROTHER BENNIE’S REVOLT 


115 


Miss Emmeline [aside to Cornelia] : We must get her— 
away from brother. I’m afraid she has designs on the 
poor boy. 

Cornelia [to Mrs. Judd] : Do come up to our room. We 
have some new patterns we want to show you. 

Emmeline: Yes, some very handsome ones. 

Mrs. Judd: All right. Good-by, Benjamin. [ Smiles at 
him as she and the two sisters go off.] 

Ben [walking the floor] : Yes, yes, she is right. It is time 
I married and settled down. My sisters have ruled me 
too closely and I’m going to revolt. Millie Judd is— 
very—pleasant; I’m sure she’ll help me. 

Enter Josie [with a dish of apples] 

Josie : I thought maybe you’d like some of these nice apples, 
Mr. Benjamin. It’s real enjoyable, I think, to eat apples 
while you read. them down.] 

Ben: Yes, I’ll eat one. [He sits with his paper and eats 
an apple.] 

Josie : It’s real cozy to sit here and read and eat apples. 

Ben: Yes—it is. [Reads.] 

Josie : This is a pleasant room to sit in and read. 

Ben [reading] : Yes—it is. 

Josie : But it seems like you need one more thing to make 
it real complete. 

Ben : What do you mean ? . 

Josie [beaming on him] : W’y, a—wife. A man ought to 
have a wife to sit beside him while he reads. 

Ben [putting down his paper] : Well, I—think so, too. 

Josie : Now if you just had a nice wife, you know [coyly] — 

Ben: Yes? 

Josie: A real good-looking one — [poses, smiling at him]. 

Ben : Yes ? 

Josie : Who was a good cook, and a nice housekeeper— 

Ben: Yes? 


116 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Josie: Well, wouldn’t that be fine for you? 

Ben : Yes, I — think it—would. 

Josie : And it would be easy for you to find one, too. 

Ben [hopefully] : Well, I don’t know. I — I’m glad you 
spoke to me about it. 

Enter Miss Emmeline 

Emmeline: Bennie, will you come and help me get some 
things I want from the garret ? 

Ben [rising] : Surely. 

Emmeline [aside] : I had to get him out of the way so he 
wouldn’t walk home with Millie Judd. [She and Ben 
go off. 1 

Josie : Now ain’t that splendid ? He just fell right in with 
my idea of getting married. Won’t it be fine when I’m 
Mrs. Benjamin Green? [Walks proudly from the room.] 

CURTAIN 


Scene III: Room as above 
Discovered: Miss Emmeline and Miss Cornelia 

Miss Emmeline [dejectedly] : Oh, sister, this is tragic. 

Cornelia: Isn’t it? He’s gone off again, the second time 
this week. 

Emmeline : What are we going to do ? 

Cornelia: He doesn’t seem to care for the books We got, 
or to sing with us. I’m afraid it’s—Millie Judd. 

Emmeline [with horror] : And he’s only twenty-nine — 
thirty his next birthday. [They sigh and look at each 
other helplessly.] 

Enter Mrs. Judd 

Mrs. Judd: Good evening. I thought I’d run over and 
show you how nice my towel looks that I’m embroidering 
from your pattern. [Shows it.] 


BROTHER BENNIE’S REVOLT 


117 


Emmeline : Yes, it looks very nice. [Aside to Cornelia] 
I’m sure she came to see Bennie. 

Mrs. Judd: You look so cozy here, I think I’ll just stay 
awhile and work. [Aside] I wonder where Ben is. 

Cornelia : Yes, sit down and stay awhile. [Aside to Em¬ 
meline] We must get rid of her before Bennie gets back, 
so he won’t have to see her home. [Mrs. Judd sits and 
begins to work.] 

Enter Josie 

Josie : Here’s the evening paper. I thought you’d want 
to read it. [Gives it to Emmeline.] It tells ’bout a real 
exciting robbery. [Aside] I wonder where Mr. Benjamin 
is. 

Cornelia: Dear me, I don’t like to read about robbers. 

Mrs. Judd : It makes me nervous to hear them mentioned. 
It’s such a good thing to have a man in the house. Ben 
ought to be here to protect us. 

Cornelia : But if there was to be a robbery here I wouldn’t 
want Bennie to be home—he might get hurt. 

Josie [aside] : Millie Judd’s mind’s on Ben—the brazen 
thing. I’m glad he isn’t here. 

Enter Benjamin 

Ben [trying to be bold] : Oh, sisters, Emmeline and Cor¬ 
nelia, I have something to tell you. I’ll tell it before 
Mrs. Judd and Josie, because they’ll soon know it anyway. 
I—I—I am—of course you’ll be surprised, but I—I’m— 
going—to be—married! 

Emmeline [throwing up her hands] : Oh, Berinie, not mar¬ 
ried! No, no! 

Cornelia [ivith shocked cry] : Oh, Bennie, you’re only 
—twenty-nine. 

Bennie : I—I know it’s young, but I’m going to get—mar¬ 
ried. 


118 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Judd [aside] : It’s queer he hadn’t asked me before 
he told them about it. 

Josie [aside] : I’m glad he’s made up his mind, but he 
ought to have proposed to me ’fore he told folks ’bout it. 

Bennie : I know you’ll be glad, sisters. She’s—wonderful. 

Mrs. Judd [coyly] : Yes, I hope you’ll like her. 

Josie [beaming on Ben] : She’s not only good looking, but 
she’s a fine housekeeper, isn’t she? 

Emmeline [coldly] : ' You should have consulted us, Ben¬ 
jamin. 

Cornelia [wiping her eyes] : Yes, indeed. 

Ben [trying to be courageous] : We are going to be married 
soon and live in a nice little home on the other side of 
town. 

Mrs. Judd [surprised] : What? Why, I think— 

Josie [happily] : Oh, how splendid! 

Emmeline: And leave us alone? Never! Never! 

Ben : I’m sure you ’ll like Martha. She’s— 

Mrs. Judd [horrified] : Martha? 

Josie [angrily] : Martha! 

Ben: Yes, Martha Judson and I are going to be married. 
We just decided it this evening and I came home to tell 
you. [Smiles at them all.] 

Mrs. Judd [scornfidly] : Well! The idea!! What can 
you see in her I’d like to know? [Goes off angrily.] 

Josie : Some men make queer choice, I must say. Humph ! 
[Goes off.] 

Cornelia : Oh, Emmeline, I think I shall faint—I’m so un¬ 
done. 

Emmeline: I’ll help you to your room. [To Ben] You’ll 
not marry that Martha; I’ll not have it. [She helps Cor¬ 
nelia from the room.] 

Ben [twisting his handkerchief in perplexity] : Nobody 
seems very pleased—except Martha and me. Don’t care; 


BROTHER BENNIE’S REVOLT 


119 


I’ve been babied long enough. [Waves his handkerchief.] 
I’ve revolted! [Goes off jauntily.] 

/ Reenter Emmeline 

Emmeline [walking back and forth] : Whatever shall we 
do ? We won’t have that Martha living here and we can’t 
get along without a man in the house. Bennie shall not 
marry her—no, never! [Sinks into a chair.] 

Enter Mr. Waggs 

Mr. Waggs: Good evening, Emmeline. The maid told me 
to come right in. I hope I find you well. 

Emmeline [bracing up] : Oh, yes, thank you; have this 
chair. [He sits.] I’m sure I’m glad to see you. 

Mr. Waggs : I hope you are, Emmeline; yes, I hope you 
are. I hope you’re real glad, because I’ve come to ask 
a favor of you. 

Emmeline: Oh, a—favor? [Aside] I hope he doesn’t 
want to borrow money. 

Mr. Waggs : You see, Emmeline, I’ve known you a long time 
and I know you to be a fine woman, just and upright and 
square in business matters. 

Emmeline [aside] : Oh, he does want to borrow money. 

Mr. Waggs: Yes, I know that you’re a kind woman, with 
a good disposition and pleasant to get along with, as well 
as nice looking. 

Emmeline: Oh, no, I— 

Mr. Waggs [firmly] : You needn’t deny it—I guess I know. 
You’re a good housekeeper, too, and a good manager. In 
fact, you ’re one of the finest women in this town, Emme¬ 
line. 

Emmeline : Oh, no, I— 

Mr. Waggs: Yes, I guess I know. You’re one in a thou¬ 
sand, yes, in ten thousand, and that’s why I want you to 
marry me. I’ll make you a good husband. You’ll have 
no cause to complain. 


120 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Emmeline : Why, this is so—sudden. 

Mr. Waggs : No, it’s not. I’ve been thinking about it for 
sev’ral weeks; in fact, months. I’ll buy a nice house 
somewhere in town, anywhere you say. 

Emmeline : We could live here. 

Mr. Waggs [very firmly] : No, we’ll have a house of our 
own. I’m not going to have that brother of yours hang¬ 
ing around. Good enough fellow, but he hasn’t any 
gumption—can’t even spunk up and get married at his 
age; must be thirty. 

Emmeline : No, only twenty-nine. 

Mr. Waggs: Well, I don’t mind Cornelia; she’s a fine 
woman, but I won’t have that weak-kneed Ben living with 
us. 

Emmeline [happily] : Now isn’t it fortunate? We’ll stay 
right here and you shall come here to live, because Ben¬ 
jamin is going to be married. 

Mr. Waggs: What? Married? 

E mmeline : Yes, isn’t it fine ? He’s going to marry Martha 
Judson, a very nice young woman. 

Mr. Waggs [taking both her hands ]: Now isn’t it wonder¬ 
ful how things do work out? 

CURTAIN 


AUNT MARIA’S VISIT 


Mr. Long I 
Mrs. Long j * 
Mrs. Barry. .. 
Alonzo Hale 

Sambo. 

Maria Lemp. . 
Katie. 


CHAEACTEES 

...... . .young married people 

. their housekeeper 

.Mr. Long’s uncle 

. his negro servant 

.Mrs. Long’s aunt 

. her maid 








AUNT MARIA’S VISIT 


121 


Scene I: Aunt Maria breaks the news 
The stage is arranged as the Long's living-room 
Discovered, Mr. Long, reading a paper 
Enter Mrs. Long 

Mrs. Long [excitedly, keeping her hands behind her] : Oh, 
Will, what do you think? 

Mr. Long [reading] : What’s the matter—have good luck 
with your cake? 

Mrs. Long [indignantly] : As if I don’t always have good 
luck! 

Mr. Long: Oh, I don’t know! There was that marble cake 
you made that turned out like stone instead. 

Mrs. Long: You horrid thing—that was when we were 
first married. This is something very nice. 

Mr. Long [hopefully] : Has some one left you some money? 

Mrs. Long: No, but it’s almost the same. 

Mr. Long [throwing clown his paper] : What is it? I’m 
excited. 

Mrs. Long [waving a letter she has held behind her] : I’ve 
just had a letter from Aunt Maria and she’s coming to 
visit us and stay a real long time. 

Mr. Long [disappointed] : Huh, I don’t see as that’s any 
gold mine. 

Mrs. Long : Oh, but Aunt Maria is quite wealthy and if she 
likes us she’s sure to do well by us. 

Mr. Long [doubtfidly] : Ye-es—maybe. 

Mrs. Long : Now, dear, we ’ll have to get busy. How fortu¬ 
nate that this is a slack time. You can get away from the 
office, can’t you? We’ll run up to your father’s and see 
about shipping that old furniture your mother said we 
may have. 

Mr. Long: Old furniture—what for? 

Mrs. Long : It’s some fine old walnut and it will fix up that 


122 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


room we haven’t furnished just beautifully for Aunt 
Maria. She’ll love it. She isn’t coming for a couple of 
weeks, so we ’ll have plenty of time. We want to visit your 
f< Iks, anyway. 

Mr. Long: We’ll have to go right away; I have some work 
coming on later that I ’ll have to see about. 

Mrs. Long [ eagerly] : Let’s go this afternoon. I’m anxious 
to get at that room. 

Mr. Long: All right; let’s go tell the housekeeper. She 
can go see her son while we’re gone, if she wants to. 
[Mrs. Long takes his arm and they hurry off joyously.] 

CURTAIN 

Scene II: Mr. Hale breaks the peace 
Room as above 

Enter Mr. Hale and Sambo with suitcases 

Mr. Hale : Since nobody answers our ring, we ’ll just walk 
in and make ourselves at home. You may stay here while 
I scout around a bit and see if I can find any one. 

Sambo: Yas, sah, Mistah Hale. [Mr. Hale goes off; Sambo 
puts the cases at back of the room and then drops into an 
easy chair and stretches out at ease.] You mought’s well 
set down, Sunny Sam. Hain’t no necessitation ob holdin’ 
yo’self up when dey’s a good chair invitationin ’ you to 
take it easy. [He looks around the room , then begins to 
nod and goes to sleep.] 

Enter Mrs. Barry, wearing her hat and coat 

Mrs. Barry [coming up] : I think everything is all right 
to leave. I’ve been over the upstairs, and through the 
basement; the windows are locked and the back doors are 
barred. I guess as how the house will be safe if I go over 
to my son’s an’ spend the night. I’ll leave the front 
curtains up to make folks think we’re here. [She looks 


AUNT MARIA’S VISIT 


123 


around and discovers Sambo.] Oh, my—gracious! [Gives 
a loud scream.] 

Sambo [opening his eyes sleepily] : Did yo’ say somefin’, 
Mistah Hale ? 

Mrs. Barry [screaming] : Fire! Fire! 

Sambo [jumping up and running about] : Where? Where? 

Mrs. Barry [screaming] : Murder!!! 

Sambo [rushing about] : Whose killed? 

Mrs. Barry [screaming] : Thieves!!!! 

Sambo [jumping around] : Where at ? Where at ? 

Mrs. Barry [extending her forefinger and pointing it at 
Sambo like a gun ] : You, of course. 

Sambo [backing off] : Don’t you shoot me, ma’am. I axes 
you, be keerful. 

Enter Mr. Hale 

Mr. Hale : What in thunder is all this racket about? [Sees 
Mrs. Barry.] How do you do, madam? 

Mrs. Barry [screaming] : Oh, another one! Help! 

Mr. Hale : I don’t know what you wish help about, ma’am, 
but I ’ll be glad to assist you in any way I can. 

Sambo: Yas, sah, yas, sah, that’s what Ize been tellin’ ’er, 
too. 

Mrs. Barry [weakly] : What are you doing here? 

Mr. Hale [bowing] : I’m looking for my relations, the 
Longs. 

Mrs. Barry [indignantly] : Well, you’re not their Aunt 
Maria. 

Mr. Hale: Of course I’m not. Do I look like anybody’s 
Aunt Maria? I’m their Uncle Alonzo. 

Sambo: We all has come avistin’ of ’em an’ we craves to 
make mention that we hain’t meanin’ no harm. 

Mrs. Barry : But they weren’t expecting you. They’ve gone 
up to his folks’s for a couple of days an’ I’m goin’ over 
to stay the night at my son’s. 


124 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mr. Hale: You go right along, ma’am. Will, my nephew, 
won’t mind our making ourselves at home. Sambo will 
look after us all right. 

Sambo [ lowing ] : Yas, ma’am, that’s what Ize here for. 

Mrs. Barry : Well—I—hope it will be all right. [She starts 

off.] | - i 

Mr. Hale [following her] : Of course; I’ll look after the 
house. 

Sambo [following Mr. Hale] : An’ Ize gwine look aftah 
Mistah Hale. 

CURTAIN 

Scene III: Aunt Maria breaks her word 
Room as above 
Enter Mrs. Lemp and Katie 

Mrs. Lemp: No one answers our ring, but as the door is 
unlocked, there must be some one here. You put your 
wraps in the hall while I look about and see if I find any 
one. [They both go off; Katie returns almost at once 
without her coat and hat.] 

Katie [going over to the other side of the room and look¬ 
ing about ] : Shure, I don’t like cornin’ in a strange house, 
onixpicted an’ nobody to give us a word of welcome. We 
ought at least to a tilegramed ’em. 

Enter Sambo 

Sambo [surprised] : Oh, I—I—begs your parding. 

Katie [looking at him with her hands on her hips] : Well ! 
Who might yez be, I’d loike to know. 

Sambo [stepping toward her] : An’ Ize axin’ you, who 
might youse be ? That’s what Ize axin ’ you, I is. 

Katie [stepping toward him] : Shure, now, kape on axin’ 
till ye wears yer ax out, but I ’ll not be afther tellin ’ yez, 
so I ’ll not. 


AUNT MARIA’S VISIT 125 

Sambo: But I hain’t axin’ jes’ to be a axin’; Ize axin’ for 
inflammation. 

Katie [stepping nearer] : Oh, that’s so, is it? Well, I’ll not 
tell yez an’I ain’t scared of you, nayther. [Steps angrily 
toward him.] 

Sambo [hacking off toward the side from which he entered] : 
Wal, I—I—hain’t scart ob you, no sah, I hain’t. 

Katie [sternly] : Do yez live in this house? 

Sambo: No —I—I—you see, it’s like this, howcum Ize here 
—kawse— 

Katie: There, I knowed yez had no right axin’ questions 
whin I was mindin’ me own bizness. Begone, now, yez 
scalawag. [Raises her fist and steps toward him. Sambo 
hacks quickly off the stage. She comes hack to the center 
shaking her head.] Shure, I felt all the time as how we 
shouldn’t be breakin’ in here loike this. [Goes over and 
sits dejectedly at the other side of the room.] 

Enter Mrs. Lemp and Mr. Hale 

Mrs. Lemp: I call this downright impertinent, Alonzo 
Hale, to try to say such things when— 

Katie [jumping up] : Shall I help yez, ma’am? I jist got 
rid of one inteTferin’ blackguard. 

Mrs. Lemp : No, of course not. I can manage him. 

Mr. Hale: Now, Maria, let’s sit down and talk this over. 

Mrs. Lemp : I don’t want to talk. 

Mr. Hale : Then you listen and let me talk. 

Mrs. Lemp : Katie, you may go and see about the prospects 
for dinner. 

Katie : All right, ma’am. [Mrs. Lemp removes her coat and 
hat and lays them on a chair.] 

Mr. Hale: My man, Sambo, will look after that; he’s a 
fine cook. 

Katie [aside as she goes off] : Shure I’ll not have that blith¬ 
ering, blathering nayger workin’ ’round me. [Exit.] 


126 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mr. Hale [as he and Mrs. Lemp sit] : Yon can’t know how 
glad I am to see you again, Maria, after all these years. 

Mrs. Lemp [coldly] : I call this very impertinent for you 
to come here, at this time. 

Mr. Hale : But I didn’t know you were to be here. 

Mrs. Lemp [with decision] : Well, it’s impertinent just the 
same. 

Mr. Hale : I came to visit my nephew and his wife. 

Mrs. Lemp : I came to visit my niece and her husband. 

Mr. Hale : How nice, Maria, that my nephew married your 
niece. 

Mrs. Lemp [sighing] : Poor girl! 

Mr. Hale [sadly] : Just think if you and I hadn’t quarreled 
years ago and had married as we planned. 

Mrs. Lemp [with decision] : You were to blame. 

Enter Katie hastily 

Katie [angrily] : Shure, ma’am, it’s not meself will stay 
out there takin ’ orders from that spalpeen of a nayger. 

Mr. Hale : Go back and behave yourself. Sambo’s all right. 

Mrs. Lemp : Sir! 

Katie [arms akimbo] : Indade, is that so? 

Mr. Hale [humbly] : I mean go and make Sambo behave 
himself. 

Katie: That I will! [Flounces out.] 

Mr. Hale: Maria, I’ve had a good many years to think 
things over and I’m sure 7 was to blame for our quarrel. 

Mrs. Lemp : Perhaps I was some to blame. 

Mr. Hale : No, I’m quite sure it was all my fault. 

Mrs. Lemp [with decision] : No, I was quite a lot— in fact, 
a whole lot to blame. 

Enter Sambo running, with Katie after him with the 
stove poker 

Sambo [getting back of Mr. Hale] : I hain’t gwine stand 
dis, Mist ah Hale. 


AUNT MARIA’S VISIT 


127 


Katie: I’ll teach yez to kape a civil tongue in yer head. 
[Waves the poker.) 

Sambo: I—I’m —gwine back home. 

Mr. Hale : All right, go on back and stay there till I come. 

Sambo : When you all gwine come, Mistah Hale ? 

Mr. Hale : Oh, maybe tomorrow. 

Mrs. Lemp : But—you ought not go so—soon. 

Mr. Hale [happily] : Maybe it’ll be a month. 

Sambo : Wal, what you spose Ize gwine— 

Mr. Hale [waving his hand] : Go on, go on and don’t both¬ 
er me. 

Mrs. Lemp [to Katie] : Go and look after our dinner. 

Katie [to Sambo] : Yez better kape out me kitchen. [She 
goes off at one side , Sambo at the other.] 

Mr. Hale : Are you going to stay here long, Maria ? 

Mrs. Lemp : I planned to make quite a visit—I’m so tired 
of living by myself. 

Mr. Hale : Now, if you’d only marry me. I’ve waited forty 
years for you. 

Mrs. Lemp : Sir! I ’m not that old. 

Mr. Hale : No, of course not—but it seems forty years. 

Mrs. Lemp [sighing] : I’ve been a widow five years. 

Mr, Hale [decidedly] : That’s too long! Maria, won’t 
you marry me ? 

Mrs. Lemp : I said I’d never speak to you again, but—of 
course I—can break my word. 

Mr. Hale [taking her hand] : Oh, Maria! 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Long 

Mrs. Long [as they enter] : Aunt Maria must be here— 
that’s her maid. [Sees Mrs. Lemp and Mr. Hale.] Oh, 
dear Aunt Maria. [Runs over and kisses her.] 

Mr. Long : Well, Uncle Alonzo—is this you? [They shake 
hands.] 


128 


JOLLY JUNIOR DIALOGUES 


Mr. Hale : Yes, we’re here and—just think, we’re going to 
be married. 

Mrs. Long [blankly] : Why—Aunt Maria! 

Mrs. Lemp: Isn’t that nice? 

Mr. Long [aside] : I don’t say it is after the money I’ve 
spent to ship that furniture here. 

Mrs. Long [aside to Mr. Long] : Silly things! 

Mr. Long [to Mr. Hale] : Let’s get these suitcases taken 
up. [He and Mr. Hale take them off.] 

Mrs. Lemp: Oh, I’m so glad I met Lonzy here— you know 
we were engaged years ago. My dear, because so much 
happiness has come to me at your home I want to make 
you a little gift. [Gets check-book and fills out a check 
which she gives Mrs. Long.] 

Mrs. Long: Why, Auntie, this is for—five hundred dol¬ 
lars. 

Mrs. Lemp: Yes, I want you to have it. Come on, let’s go 
see about dinner. [They go off happily.] 

Enter Katie 

Katie [to herself] : An’ so me mistress is goin’ to git mar¬ 
ried. Well, it’s a good thing that Terry O’Connor has 
bin beggin ’ me to set the day, fer it’s not meself will put 
up with that blithering, blathering nayger. [Tosses her 
head and goes off importantly.] 

Enter Mr. Long from one side and Mrs. Long from 
the opposite side 

Mr. Long: Alice, I want to tell you, Uncle Alonzo just 
made me a present of five hundred dollars. Says he 
wouldn’t have met your aunt if it hadn’t been for us and 
he wants to repay us a little. 

Mrs. Long [clasping her hands] : Oh, the darlings! 

Mr. Long : I ’ll say so. 


CURTAIN 


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